Do You and Your Spouse Talk More Than the Average Married Couple?
Have you ever heard a statistic you just can’t believe is true? For example, the global rate for washing hands after using the toilet is under 20 percent. Or, the average American produces 5-6 pounds of trash every single day!
A few weekends ago I heard someone say the average American couple talks to each other for around 20 minutes per week. Yes, you read that right—20 minutes per week. That’s literally less than 3 minutes per day.
I still couldn’t believe it, so I googled it. And the internet told me it’s true, so it must be true right? A few different sources confirmed the average couple spends very little time alone together and very little time communicating with each other. Between jobs, church, social life, housework, kids, and hobbies, I guess it’s not really that big of a surprise that couples spend such little time together. And I sadly believe the average couple only talks to each other for 20 minutes per week. When this happens, we become like roommates, and I want you and your spouse to be so much more than roommates!
Marriage and parenting require that a couple communicates a whole lot more than 3 minutes per day. How else can you make decisions about money, discipline, intimacy, schedules, carpools, housework, holidays, and so much more. And since the average couple communicates so little, it’s no surprise the divorce rate is high and so many married couples seem miserable together.
The longer I’ve done marriage ministry, worked with couples, and been married, the more I realize there’s no way to fast track or short cut the need for healthy communication and conflict management in marriage. Too often in my job I see the result of what happens when couples don’t communicate and conflict in healthy ways.
I can’t remove the challenges in your life. I can’t tell you to work less or say “no” to all the activities that pull you away from home or keep your family and kids busy. But I can ask you to pray that the Lord would help you to discern how to best spend your time. And I can challenge you to talk with each other for more than 20 minutes per week.
In Ephesians 5:15-17, Paul writes,
“Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.”
We need God’s help in determining how to best spend our time, so that we can make decisions that allow us to communicate with each other.
Do You and Your Spouse Talk More Than 20 Minutes Per Week?
My encouragement in this post is for you and your spouse to choose to be different than the pattern of the world. Let’s change the odds of divorce (as my friend Kevin Thompson often says). Let’s talk and listen. Let’s make time for each other. Yes there’s always going to be plenty to do and demands on your time, but choose to take one step to communicate with your spouse.
Challenge: Since the average couple talks for only 20 minutes/week, see if you can top that in one conversation. Block 30 minutes on your calendar this week and send a calendar invite to your spouse. When you sit down together, turn off the TV and put your phones away. Ask questions, pray for each other, listen. Choose to be different than the world.
If you’re still stuck, here are a few questions to get you started:
What are you thankful for today?
How can I pray for you? Here’s how you can pray for me.
What are you most excited about in the next 30 days?
Have you learned anything interesting/fun/new in a book or in your time reading the Bible?
I hope you’ll find that one conversation per week is not enough and that you long for and desire to make more time for each other. I hope you’ll fight for your marriage, and one way to do this is by fighting for time to communicate with each other.
Your Turn:
How do you and your spouse make sure you create time and space to communicate on a consistent basis? Share your best ideas below.