The Reason Why Date Nights Are More Challenging Now Than Ever Before

I’ve often talked about the importance of date nights and continuing to date and pursue your spouse long after you say “I do.” I’ve written about how you can date your spouse according to the Five Love Languages, how to make date nights fun, and I even compiled a date night guide of 124 Killer Date Night Ideas.

When our four sons were all under the age of five, I remember thinking how much I couldn’t wait until the day Kristen and I could go on dates together and not have to worry about getting a babysitter. We wouldn’t need to pay for someone to watch our boys and we wouldn’t be dependent on finding someone we trusted who was available when we needed a sitter. 

“We can go out whenever we want and we can put the money we would have paid the sitter towards our date.” 

When our kids were young, we really needed the space and the break. We longed for time away from crying babies, diapers, and bedtimes that took too long. We treasured time when the two of us could sit down across from each other and catch up. We wouldn’t need to worry about homework assignments, soccer practice, or kids who wouldn’t shower or brush their teeth.

We tried to go out weekly, but it probably was more like once every few weeks. Regardless of the frequency, we loved the time together. And again, we couldn’t wait until the kids were older so we could date each other whenever we wanted.

That Day FINALLY Arrived

Six years ago the day finally arrived. With twin sons who were 13, we could go out on dates and not worry about paying a babysitter. It was, as Jasmine from Aladdin says, “A whole new world.”

As they continued to age into their later teen years, we could even stay out late and, on occasion, spend a night at a hotel together without kids. We could put the money towards dinner, enjoy new places, and no longer worry about finding someone whose schedule and availability matched our schedule and date night availability.

Now our sons are 19, 19, 16, and 14. We can go out whenever we want. Overnights are easy, especially if one of the 19-year olds can stay at the house with our younger two. We make more money than we’ve ever made before so money is less of a challenge than it used to be. Every excuse is now removed. 

But… Date Nights Now Are More Challenging Than Ever Before

The problem now is that our desire to go on dates has gone way down. While it’s easier and more affordable than ever, we have a new problem. We actually like our kids and often prefer to spend time with our sons instead of going on dates with each other.

For example, this upcoming weekend, our two younger boys will be away at youth camp. One of our twins is home and he can watch the house and the dog. But, we actually decided to pass on date night so that we can spend some quality time with our son. We’re going to take him out for a good dinner, do some shopping, and watch some movies. Our marriage will be just fine, and we’ll make some memories with our son.

I never thought I’d say this, and I’m shocked we both turn down date nights with each other. While we still do love time for just the two of us and the occasional night away or two-three night getaway, we really enjoy spending time with our kids.

We’ve been encouraged by the quality of conversation we have with our older sons. We talk about things that really matter—friendships, school, relationships, what God is teaching them, and so much more. They ask questions, share with us, and at times even challenge us to grow. You just don’t get this with younger kids.

We realize we only have them at home for a few more years and we want to maximize the time we get with them. This is especially true when we realize how busy they can be in seasons—between school events, practices, games, and church , we don’t get as much time with our boys as we used to get. And it’s a whole other thing when they get their driver’s license. They’re gone all the time!

All this to say, I’m continuing to learn the tension between marriage and parenting. To be honest, in the past I’d get frustrated with Kristen when she told me at times that she’d rather be with kids than on a date night. I used to take it personally, like she was choosing them over me. But I think I’m starting to get it. I want to live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7), and I am increasingly understanding why, at times, Kristen would rather stay home with kids than go out on a date together. 

So in summary:

When our kids are younger, it’s harder to go out on dates with each other. Money is tighter and we’re dependent on babysitters and schedule availability.

But, when the kids are young, we really need time together. Otherwise our homes can become child-centric homes and our marriage loses its priority and other relationships become more important. We grow stale and bored in our marriages.

As our kids get older, we often have a little more money and a lot more availability/freedom. But sometimes we choose to spend time with our kids instead of each other.

In the past I would have assumed this is a bad thing. But I’m consistently learning to understand my wife, and we want to maximize the time we have together with our boys before they leave for college or for the workplace.

All that to say, I’m writing this post for a few reasons:

1. Reminding younger parents that the challenges are real. It’s always good to have some quality time together.

2. To encourage you at all seasons of marriage to make your marriage the second most important relationship in your life (apart from your relationship with the Lord).

3. To see if we’re alone in our change of mindset, or do other parents get it? Are we weird for choosing to spend time with our older kids before they leave?

Your Turn: (Please comment!)

For those of you with younger kids, are you looking forward to the future like I did?

For those of you with older kids, do you agree or disagree with me?