Three reasons why you and I are hesitant to let others into our lives
It’s been about 17 months since my family packed up our lives and moved from the big city (Dallas) to the smaller city (Waco). We love our new home and church and we’re thankful for a great transition to Waco and Harris Creek.
People often ask me about the differences between Dallas and Waco. One thing I’ve consistently noticed in Waco is a hesitancy in couples to let others see the not-so-good parts of life. While this is an issue everywhere, it seems to be even more pronounced in Waco. The pictures on Instagram look great, but often differ from what happens behind closed doors. A friend said it this way: “We manage perception online, while we blow up behind closed doors.”
We all do this. I do it. You do it. So why are we hesitant to let others in?
Why don’t we invite others into our lives?
Marriage doesn’t create the problems; it merely exposes them. In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller tells the story of a ten-ton truck crossing an old, faulty bridge with hard-to-see structural defects. The truck crosses the bridge, and the pressure causes hairline fractures in the bridge to be seen. The truck didn’t cause the defects but rather exposed them. In many cases, marriage doesn’t cause the problems in our lives. But, like the bridge, marriage reveals the problems to the eye so we can deal with them.
So why don’t we open up and invite others into our lives to see the “structural defects?”
1) We Don’t Want Accountability
Sometimes we don’t want to ask community to speak into our lives because we don’t want the accountability.
For premarried couples: Some of you are crossing sexual boundaries, and even though you know it’s not God’s best, you’re still choosing to pursue each other without purity. You know if you ask someone to help or invite someone else into your relationship, you’re going to have to either confess your sin or lie to cover it up. You don’t want to do either of these things. Believe me, I’ve done both too many times to count, and it never works out well for me.
For married couples: Maybe you’ve got some major financial issues in your marriage. The debt keeps piling up and inflation is sky high, but you see stuff you want, so you buy it. You and your spouse don’t always agree—you’re a spender and she’s a saver. It’s obvious you need some help and wise counsel. But if you invite others in, then you know you can’t buy what you want. Proverbs 12:15 says, “The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” Don’t be a fool.
2) Our Pride Gets in the Way
Other times, we don’t invite others into our lives because of pride. We either think we know better or we know we’ve messed up and don’t want others to know.
Some premarried couples will compromise in their marriage choices. They think life will be better with a spouse, and they’re not getting any younger. Their biological clock is ticking, and they think if they don’t marry this person, then they might not get another chance at marriage. So they compromise, even though they know the relationship is not God’s best. They know if they invite others to speak into their life, they might have to give up the relationship.
Married couples often don’t want to admit their sin. I know confession isn’t fun, and none of us like to acknowledge struggles, but pride prevents us from benefitting from community. God opposes the proud (1 Peter 5:5), and we miss out on the blessing of God’s people bearing our burdens (Galatians 6:2). You also miss out on freedom, growth, and being known and loved by others.
3) We Are Afraid to Admit We Are Weak
Sometimes our pride gets in the way because we don’t want to admit we are weak. We like to pretend we have it all together, and if others see what’s really going on in our lives, then they’ll realize we have problems. We don’t want to admit that we are weak, so we shut the door on community.
I’m often so afraid of people seeing my faults. I want to impress others and want everyone to like me. I’m the President and CEO of the People-Pleaser Club. This affects me with friends, co-workers, family, and even people I don’t really know. I need the reminder of Galatians 1:10. Will I choose to please God or man?
We forget Paul’s powerful words in 2 Corinthians 12:10, that when we are weak, then we are strong. God’s power is made perfect in weakness. When we refuse to acknowledge our weakness, we miss out on the power of God’s work in us and through us. We rob God of the opportunity show-off His power.
What is it for you? Why are you hesitant to allow others into your life?
Your Turn:
Why are you afraid to let others in to your life? I am certain there are more reasons than the three above, so what would you add?
Is there a time when you let others in to your sin and struggles? How did your community respond?
Is there anything you need to confess and any areas today where you need to invite others in?
Note: The majority of this post is an excerpt from my book Ready or Knot?, published by Baker Books in February 2019. You can find more details about Ready or Knot? on this page.