6 ways to grow trust in your marriage every single day
A few weeks ago the staff leadership team from our church (Harris Creek) went away for a two-night work retreat. One of the top priorities of the retreat was for our team to come up with staff core values. We wanted to identify the top values necessary for success on our staff. These values stand outside of professional competencies and spiritual health. They primarily focus on how to thrive in our staff culture.
I won’t list all seven of them here in this post, but I do want to focus on one of them today. In this post I’m sharing this one core value and how it applies to marriages.
Transparency Builds Trust.
One of the best ways to build trust is through transparency. When we’re transparent with others we say we’re willing to be known. Others don’t just know who I am; rather, they know me on a deep level—they know my strengths, struggles, fears, hopes, and much more. This is the person who’s willing to acknowledge when they fall short and how they struggle with sin. Proverbs 28:13 says, “Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.” They know that when they hide their sin from others that they will not prosper. Rather, they seek to confess and forsake (renounce) their sin.
As we discussed this in relation to our staff culture, I started to think through how to build trust in marriage. Relationships are built on a foundation of trust. When you commit to be with each other through thick and thin, in better and worse, sickness and health, for richer and poorer, you make a huge commitment. And you expect your spouse to keep their huge commitment as well. This requires an enormous amount of trust. So much so that couples will choose not to get married if they don’t trust each other, and couples will end their marriage when trust is broken.
My hope through this brief post is to help you build trust in your marriage. My friend and boss JP says, “Trust is build in drops and lost in buckets” (original source unknown). I want to help you put some drops of trust in your relational bucket!
1. Do trustworthy things.
Simple to say, but so hard to apply. Do what you say you’re going to do. Follow-up on your commitments. Trust is built in the daily grind of life when you live out the ordinary aspects of life. Every day we get hundreds of small ways to built trust through the mundane aspects of life.
2. Confess when you fall short.
As discussed above, live out Proverbs 28:13. Don’t hide your sin. Confess when you struggle or fall short. While the immediate fallout may prove to be challenging, confession of sin (being transparent) builds trust if handled in the right way. Apologize, be humble, and seek forgiveness.
3. Shine a spotlight.
We often use the phrase “Shine a spotlight” on our staff. You shine a spotlight when you break something, forget to do something, or flat out mess up. We all make mistakes! Take responsibility when you do. For instance, if you break something, shine a spotlight on it. Tell your spouse—don’t hide it. It’s like you’re taking a giant spotlight and focusing on it instead of hiding it in the dark.
4. Be completely honest.
Don’t give 50% of the truth, or even 99% of the truth. Go all the way, admit and confess completely. One of the biggest challenges I see in marriage is when one spouse only admits parts of the truth. Over time, the rest of the truth comes out and it’s harder to rebuild trust when more and more details continue to come out.
5. Don’t make promises you’re not going to keep.
I learned early on in marriage to not make many promises to Kristen. One day I promised I would be home by 5:30. I rolled in at around 5:45 and Kristen was not happy with me. It’s not that I was 15 minutes late—stuff happens. It’s that I promised I would be home and didn’t keep my promises. I’ve learned to not make a promise unless I know with 100% certainty that I’m going to keep it.
6. Don’t keep secrets.
Would you be willing to let your spouse look through your phone right now? Can they see pictures you’ve clicked on? Can they look through your search history? I know these questions scare some of you. You can live in such a way that you don’t need to fear your spouse looking at your phone or going through your search history. The best way to build trust is by being trustworthy in all you do.
This last one brings us full circle back to transparency. Transparency builds trust in marriage in all the ways listed above. Look for ways this week to build trust in your marriage.
Your Turn:
What would you add? Please comment below if you have any other thoughts or suggestions on how to build trust in your marriage. It’s easy to lose trust and takes some effort to build it, but it’s worth the effort.