What to do Before you Say "I Do"
As we get ready to start our Summer Merge premarital class at Watermark Community Church later this evening, I can’t help but think back to my season of ‘seriously dating’/engagement to Kristen. We have learned so many extremely valuable lessons along the way in our almost 14 years of marriage (5 Things We are Glad We Started from Day One of Marriage and 5 Things We Would Do Differently if Today was Our Wedding Day).
Looking back, here are a few issues I wish I would have addressed sooner, before getting engaged and before we said “I do."
1. I would have dealt with my baggage.
Some come into marriage bringing a small carry-on, while others come with a U-Haul of baggage. I definitely leaned towards the U-Haul side of the spectrum. Some of my baggage included a significant history of pornography and sexual immorality, anger issues, all the guilt and shame associated with my past and much more. As a married man, I walked through our 12-step, Christ-centered recovery ministry (re:generation), and it was, hands-down, the best thing I ever could have done for my relationship with Jesus, my marriage and my understanding of the Gospel and my sin.
While I am thankful I walked through our recovery ministry, I wish I had done so sooner, even before dating Kristen. I would have worked through some of my selfish desires (James 4:1) and guilt and shame (Romans 8:1).
James 4:1 says, “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?"
Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
What can you do to help deal with your baggage? One of the best gifts you could give your spouse, or future spouse, is self-work through a recovery ministry and/or community.
2. I would have worked towards getting rid of all of my debt.
I came into marriage with car debt, school debt from graduate school in physical therapy, some consumer debt, and house debt. While scripture does not call debt a sin, God’s word clearly speaks against debt and always includes a level of caution when speaking to debt.
Proverbs 22:7 says, “The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender."
As much as it is up to you, do not allow yourself to be a slave to a lender. For me, did I really need to buy a new, green, 2000 Nissan Pathfinder while still paying off school and consumer debt? Did I really need to buy furniture for every room of my house, and did I really need to finish out the basement of my brand new house? No, no, no! The problem was that I made financial decisions in isolation without seeking the counsel of others.
I lucked out by marrying a sugar momma who helped me get out of debt. You may not be as fortunate as I was, and I would not presume on the future.
How are you doing financially? What can you do to help put yourself in the best position financially before you start dating someone or before saying “I do?” If you are out of debt, what can you do to help build up a small emergency fund?
3. I would have stopped looking at porn. Period.
I saw pornography for the first time as a seven-year old, and was intrigued and hooked from a very young age. I shudder at the thought of any of my boys seeing pornography now, let alone as a seven-year old. My pornography struggle continued through elementary school, middle school, high school, college, graduate school and even beyond.
When I started dating Kristen, I was still hooked, but I wasn’t looking nearly as frequently as I had been in the past. Therefore, I justified my behaviors, and thought the desire would go away once we were married. I continued to dabble all the way through our engagement. Kristen and I did not have sex before we got married, but we crossed some boundaries. I did not honor her and The Lord nearly as much as I wish I had or as much as I challenge premarried couples to do in Merge. I am fully convinced that if I had stopped my pornography habit much sooner, we would not have struggled nearly as much while dating. I know the temptation would have still been present, but I fully believe my mind would have been on the things of The Lord instead of the things of the flesh.
I wish I had followed the words of Paul in Ephesians 5:3 and 1 Corinthians 6:18:
Ephesians 5:3 says, “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints."
1 Corinthians 6:18 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."
If you are looking at pornography, please get some accountability and help now. Do not think the struggle will go away just because you get married. By the grace of God I have not looked at pornography in a very long time, but I certainly wished I had honored God and my wife by quitting before we even started dating.
Can you stand with Job who said, “"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman” (Job 31:1, NIV)?
4. More than anything else… I wish I had fallen more in love with Jesus.
The best way to prepare for marriage is to fall in love with Jesus. This is number 4 as typed out in this list, but really should be #’s 1-100 in importance on any list!
Matthew 22:37 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” In other words, love The Lord with every part of your being! When you love The Lord, you are able to work through your past, deal with your debt, quit looking at porn and much more.
The more I fall in love with Jesus, the better equipped I become to love my wife and kids. It’s NEVER too late to start following Jesus and loving Him with your heart, soul, mind and strength, but the sooner you do so, the better it will go for you in singleness, dating, engagement and marriage.
The Tandem Bike
Marriage is a TON of fun and I love being married to Kristen! We have learned that in order for a couple to fully enjoy marriage, they need to do some hard work, both before and after saying "I do." My friend John McGee shared the idea of the tandem bike marriage concept with me years ago. The tandem bike requires couples to work together, to be united in purpose, and to move in the same direction. When you do, you enjoy the ride a whole lot more.
There is so much more I know I can add to this list, but it’s a good start. Please join me in praying for the seriously dating and engaged couples going through our Summer1 Merge class. Pray they would grasp the significance of dealing with their past, working through their debt, dealing with their addictions, and falling in love, first and foremost, with the perfect Lover, Jesus Christ.