The Top 5 Sources of Your Relationship Expectations
We have expectations about EVERYTHING. We have expectations about the weather, about what we eat, how our day will go, and how others should treat us and respond to us. Whether we know it or not, we all have expectations about pretty much everything in life.
Our expectations really come out in relationships, especially if things don’t work out according to our plans. Chances are pretty much 100% that either you or your significant other will have some unmet expectations several times every day. This is partly why Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:28, “if you marry, you will have troubles in this life.”
In this two-post-series, I am going to share where our expectations typically come from (part one) and why our expectations often go unmet (part two). In part two, I am also going to help you figure out a better way to deal with your expectations.
13 years into married life, Kristen and I still find ourselves with radically different expectations about all of life. While we know more of what to expect in and from one another, unmet expectations still provide plenty of material for conflict resolution.
What are the most common sources of our expectations?
1. Parents/family
If you grew up in a broken home, your picture and experience of normal family life is not healthy or ideal. On the other hand, if you grew up in a home where mom and dad are still married and love one another, you probably have high expectations for marriage. You bring expectations into marriage from your own family about money, conflict, holidays, and much more. When you marry someone else, chances are very good that you will bring radically different family backgrounds into your marriage.
How has your family of origin shaped your expectations about marriage?
2. Hollywood - Movies, Music, and TV
Whether you think of (cheesy) romantic scenes like “You complete me” from Jerry Maguire or you establish your expectations of normal relationships from prime time television, Hollywood is one of the biggest sources of our marriage and relationship expectations. Sometimes we see an accurate picture (I.e. Parenthood or Friday Night Lights), but more often than not, Hollywood provides a false picture of dating and marriage.
How have music, television and the movies shaped your expectations about relationships?
3. God’s Word/Church
Hopefully you are a part of a healthy church and have some biblical expectations about what a godly relationship looks like. And, hopefully the pastoral staff, elders and leaders provide a great example in living color of healthy relationships. If your church does not teach biblical expectations and the leaders don’t live out with integrity God’s design in relationships, then I’d strongly consider finding another home church.
How have God’s Word and the leaders in your church shaped your expectations about marriage?
4. Previous Relationships
Often, our own previous relationships shape what we believe normal relationships look like. If we were hurt in a past relationship, we might be cautious about getting close to another person, fearing we might walk through the same hurts again. Past relationships, whether positive or negative, affect how we view new relationships.
How have your previous relationships helped shape your view of your new relationship or marriage?
5. Your own wiring and personality
We each bring our own wiring, temperament and personality into a relationship. Typically we think everything we do is relatively normal, and anything done a different way is strange or wrong. In addition, your personal hurts, habits, addictions, and struggles affect your view of relationships and marriage.
How has your own wiring/personality shaped your expectations about relationships?
While there are probably other sources of relationship expectations, your family of origin, Hollywood and culture, God’s Word and church, previous relationships and your own wiring and personality all affect your expectations in relationships and marriage.
Here’s why this is important… when you explore the sources of your own expectations, you receive the opportunity to learn more about the expectations of your significant other. The more you learn about one another, the more you learn how to live with each other in an understanding way (See 1 Peter 3:7)(See also my previous post on Understanding Your Differences). When you live with each in an understanding way, you get the opportunity to serve your spouse and put their needs before your own (Mark 10:44-45, Philippians 2:3-4).
Come back for part two where I will further unpack why we all have so many unmet expectations and learn a better way to deal with your expectations.
Your Turn:
Spend some time thinking through some of your sources of expectations. How much did each of these sources affect your expectations about relationships and marriage?
Discuss with your spouse/significant other some of their sources of expectations: family background, previous relationships, etc…