The Most Frustrating Marriage Article I Have Ever Read
When you’re in full time marriage ministry for 12 years, you hear some crazy things about marriage. I’ve seen the world’s definition of marriage change (same sex marriage), I’ve seen culture’s view of marriage change (ambivalence) and I’ve seen an increased prevalence of cohabitation and couples make the decision to not get married at all.
A few days ago I read an article that frustrated me as much as anything else I’ve read about marriage. To be clear, I'm not frustrated with the writer of the article - he's simply the messenger. My problem lies with the message. There’s an idea floating around (it’s not a new one) that seems to be gaining some momentum. People call this not so new thing the “starter marriage."
But I get ahead of myself. Many of you know about the starter home. In theory, you save a little money and you buy a decent home. You put a small amount of money down, sign a 30-year mortgage and then you start building equity in your home. After a few years, you sell your first home and take your increased salary and built-up home equity and you buy a nicer, bigger, more expensive home. You sign your mortgage and then after a few years, the process repeats itself. It all starts with a starter home so that you can build up your equity and buy something newer, nicer and bigger.
Come on back to the marriage world: apparently many couples see marriage like they see the starter home. You find a nice girl, you throw a ring on her finger, you sign the paper (marriage license) and seal the deal, and you commit to a two-year marriage. Then after year two, you either decide to re-up with your current spouse or you end the deal and take your built-up equity and get something/someone newer and nicer. You find someone a little better looking, who’s more into you than your first spouse and who brings more money to the table. In other words, you learn a few things in your starter marriage and then move on to a different marriage. And the process repeats itself. They call this either a “starter” marriage, a “beta” marriage or a “test” marriage.
Cue blood pressure spike.
The article referenced above blames Millennials. Apparently just 1/3 of all Millennials believe marriage is “till death do us part” and many support the idea of time-defined marriages with an option to get out after a certain number of years. The Millennials are not the problem.
We have a marriage problem and we have some work to do.
The things I love about being married to Kristen fall in complete opposition with the idea of the starter/beta/test marriage.
I love that our marriage is permanent, until death to us part. We committed to never divorce each other in our vows (Matthew 19:6). I love what one of my teammates shared in her weddings vows: “May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates us.” This kind of commitment teaches us to fight for our marriages to survive, not to give up when the going gets tough.
I love the emotional intimacy Kristen and I have with each other. Our marriage is not performance-based and I don’t have to live in fear that she will reject me, leave me or laugh at me. Okay, sometimes we laugh at each other, but we don’t mock or reject each other. Don’t you think that if you signed a two-year marriage license that you would have to perform the whole time? And what if one wants to stay and the other one wants to leave?
I love that our marriage is an unconditional relationship. We endure and we persevere just like Jesus did. Jesus knew what was in front of Him, yet He endured the Cross before Him (Hebrews 12:1-2).
I love that our marriage provides safety for our children. What if you signed a seven-year marriage deal, had a few kids and then decided to get a divorce? What do you think this communicates to your children? They will do what we do, not what we say. We model for them that its OK to quit in life and in marriage.
I love that our marriage makes us fight for contentment. We don’t believe the lie that the grass is greener on the other side. We fight the lies that say someone else could be better for me. A time-limited marriage license would give me permission to keep my eyes open for better options. As soon as the first temptation comes my way, I have the freedom to bolt and try something/someone else out. In my marriage to Kristen, she is the best option. No questions asked. She’s the best option because she’s my wife and that’s what we committed to when we got married.
In Merge we tell our premarried couples that if they say “I do” that they commit to a permanent, covenant relationship. It’s a beautiful picture of The Father’s covenantal love for His children. It’s the complete opposite of the starter marriage.
We have a marriage problem. We have an even greater opportunity. If you’re married it starts with you. Do you view your marriage as a temporary, performance-based starter marriage, or do you view it as a ‘till death do us part' covenant?
Torn up divorce papers!
At Watermark, and in over 100 churches across the country, we have a great ministry called re|engage. If you’re struggling, if you wish you had a way out or signed a two-year marriage license, you need to know about re|engage. Whether your marriage needs to be reignited, or is in need of a complete resurrection, re|engage is a safe place for couples to reconnect. The pile of papers in the picture? Divorce papers from some friends who wanted out of marriage but instead chose to fight for their marriage through re|engage.
Viewing your marriage as a starter marriage with an escape is not the way to fix your problems. Choose to take the long term view and fight for your marriage.
Your Turn:
How do you think we got where we are today? How did we go from 'til death do us part' to the idea of a starter marriage?
What can you do in your own marriage to help solidify your commitment to one another?
For the premarried: as you think about the idea of marriage, do you view marriage as a lifelong commitment or as a contract with an out when you're not happy?