How Can You Become A Better Listener in Marriage?
Are you a good listener? Just about everyone I know, and probably everyone you know, struggles with listening to others. Yet, we all know it’s so important in every relationship. It’s hard to be married well and not be a good listener. I’ve been a marriage pastor for over 16 years and I still struggle OFTEN with listening. I want to improve and I am certain you do as well. That’s why I wrote this series on how to become a better listener.
This post wraps up a three-part series on how to listen well in relationships. In Part 1, I shared some reasons why we struggle to listen well. In Part 2, I shared what God’s Word says about being a good listener. We can either be wise or act like fools in the ways we listen.
In this final post, I share how to become a better listener. I searched the Scriptures on listening. I read around 10 articles to come up with this list. I looked through multiple marriage and communication books. I read them all because I wanted to come up with the secret sauce to being a good listener. After all my reading, I learned that there’s really not much to being a good listener. There’s no secret formula or magic wisdom to acing this skill. We simply need to stop, slow down, and listen!
Here are some specific ways you and I can become better listeners:
1. Resist the urge to say something profound.
Most of us want to be known as someone who always knows the right thing to say. We want to be seen as wise and profound in our counsel. But, most of the time, the best thing we can do is to resist the urge to say something profound. Often affirmation and acknowledgement go much further than smart answers.
Several close friends typically provide profound wisdom and pastoral care. The Lord has clearly gifted these friends to know what to say and how to say it. My problem is that I compare myself to them and think I need to do the same thing they do. Instead of truly paying attention and seeking wisdom from the Lord, I spend my time thinking through what my profound counsel is going to be. In the process, I quit listening.
Know that if you’re going to respond well, then you must first listen well to others. We don’t know what to say until we truly listen to others.
2. Be patient and be humble.
One of our biggest challenges when we attempt to listen is that we want to interrupt others. When we interrupt, we show a lack of patience. We demonstrate pride because we want to impart our great wisdom on others. Rather, choose to be patient and humble—stop interrupting and listen. Proverbs 18:2 says, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” Don’t be a fool. Rather demonstrate patience (1 Corinthians 13:4, Galatians 5:22-23).
3. Choose to love Others.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4, Paul says love is patient and kind. Demonstrate love to others by listening well. When we listen, we put their needs before our own (Philippians 2:3-4) and we bear the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23).
When we focus more on ourselves instead of listening to others, we often love ourself more than we do the other person. Yes, there’s certainly a time to speak and provide counsel, care, and wisdom, but often we simply need to love others by listening first.
4. Ask great questions.
No one did this better than Jesus. Observe the way He lives throughout the gospels and how He always asks the best questions of others. A few friends of mine do this so well. I’m thinking specifically of Nate and Jackie. They both care deeply for others and this is demonstrated by the thoughtful questions they ask.
This works well in marriage. We need to continually strive to be a student of our spouse. In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter writes, “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” Peter encourages husbands to be “considerate” of their wives. This means that they live together according to knowledge—that he strives to ask questions and learn more about his wife.
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” I love the challenge of this verse. When I think about this passage, it brings to mind the image of someone asking great questions and helping draw deep wisdom out from another person. You do this largely by asking great questions and listening.
5. Learn from the Master.
This one is closely tied to what I shared in #4 about asking great questions since Jesus, the Master, is the greatest question asker ever. If you want to become a better listener, simply study the life of Jesus, and then not so simply, act like Him! I would never say this to make your life performance-driven, but in response to all Jesus has done for us, the challenge is the right one - to become more and more like Jesus Christ.
6. Show empathy.
When we show empathy to another we share their pain. Even though we’re not walking through the same circumstances as the other person, we walk in their shoes and seek to understand what they’re going through. We connect with them in a supernatural way. And this requires listening. We can’t understand what someone is going through without showing empathy and seeking to gain insight from them by listening.
I’ve written about empathy before in other posts which you can read here and here.
7. Watch your non-verbal behavior.
Put your phone away. Make eye contact. Don’t look bored or like you’d rather do anything else than being in this conversation. Face the other person and look them in the eye. When we do this, we set ourselves up well to listen and understand.
I feel like such a fool sometimes when I think I can look at my phone and have a conversation with my wife. It just doesn’t work out well for me.
8. Ask reflective/listening questions.
When someone shares, a great way to show that you’re listening is to ask follow-up questions or clarifying questions. Ask them to repeat what they shared, or ask them to clarify what they said if you don’t fully understand. This shows the other person you care and that you’re engaged in the conversation. Repeat back to them what you heard, modeling that you care and that you’re paying attention to them.
Like most important things in life, listening is a skill that can be learned. You can become a better listener. You’re not stuck or resigned to failing in this area of your marriage. In fact, if you’re going to thrive, you can’t stink at being a good listener.
Listening is hard work and an active process. You’ll end up working against the grain of culture, but it’s worth the effort!
Your Turn:
Of the 8 ways to grow in listening, what is one way you can to improve?