7 Challenges that Prevent us From Being Good Listeners
Kristen and I, along with some close friends, recently taught a two-week class on marital communication. We spent the first week on how to “speak” and the second week on how to “listen.” It really could have been a 2-month class! Two weeks is not enough to teach on how to communicate well in marriage, but I believe we helped some couples communicate more effectively.
Communication and conflict challenges always show up towards the top of lists of why couples struggle or get divorced. Most of us readily admit it’s a challenge.
When I first moved to Waco, I met with a couple and the wife told me communication wasn’t a problem in their marriage. I asked her to share with me her secret wisdom for my marriage and so that i could help others. She told me:
“I’m great at communicating!!! I’m so good at talking but I don’t listen very well!!!” (Note: She said it with a lot of exclamation points).
I hated to break it to her, but if you don’t listen well, you’re not a good communicator. It’s a two-way street with both speaking and listening, giving and receiving. Both parts are essential to communicating well.
This post begins a 3-part series on how to listen well. Part 1 includes reasons why we struggle to listen well. In Part 2 I’ll share what God’s Word says about listening, and in Part 3 we’ll discuss how to listen well. It’s something we all can improve, even if you think you’re a great communicator like my friend!!!! (Said, again, with a lot of exclamation points).
Before I share some of the reasons why we struggle, take a moment to ask yourself why listening is a challenge for you. What makes it difficult for you to listen to your spouse, children, roommates, and/or coworkers?
7 Challenges that Prevent us From Being Good Listeners
1. We’re not taught how to listen.
While many of us took speech classes in school, no one ever takes a listening class. Mom and Dad probably never sat you down and taught you how to listen. And it’s very rarely modeled well for us. If we learn how to listen it’s only because we work on it on our own, not because anyone ever taught us how to listen. So give yourself a little grace.
2. All of us struggle with pride.
This manifests itself in a few different ways in a lack of listening:
We think we know the speaker well and believe we know exactly what they’re going to say. This is especially true for married couples. We think we know them better than they even know themselves.
We don’t listen, because as a result of our pride, we finish their sentences for them, interrupt them, and don’t listen to understand.
Instead of listening we think of our reply while they talk, and then we jump in with our response instead of truly paying attention to what they said.
3. Our world is too noisy.
Most of us don’t like silence. We feel the need to fill all quiet space with noise, whether it’s music, podcasts, or TV. Sometimes we scroll on social media and our brains are flooded with an abundance of activity on our social feeds. We’re afraid of silence like we’re afraid of clowns or the dark. We do everything we can to avoid it altogether.
4. The ways we relax and unwind.
I read this point in another article online and completely agree. We mindlessly go from one Netflix episode to another and scroll constantly on our phones. As we watch TV and videos on Instagram, we develop lazy listening habits. Because we don’t typically interact with what we watch/scroll through, we become expert consumers. We’re not forced to listen well because we don’t communicate back and forth with shows. This leads to lazy, superficial listening.
5. We don’t care about others.
This sounds so harsh, but unfortunately it’s often true. We care about ourselves a whole lot, but don’t really put the needs of others first. This leads us to tune them out and not make the effort to listen to what they share with us. When we interrupt others or are impatient with them, it’s largely because we don’t care for others. Listening is hard work and we’re not willing to put in the hard work required to listen well.
6. The timing Stinks.
Sometimes we want to listen well to others, we care about them, and we’re not being prideful. But, because of the circumstances of life, we sometimes don’t have the capacity to listen well. Maybe we had a bad day at work or at home with the kids and it’s hard to pay attention because we’re distracted by the cares and burdens of life.
Other times we’re so busy in life that we don’t find the time to listen. We want to listen, but all we can think about is the next thing on our calendar or to-do list. The intention and desire is there, but the time isn’t.
7. Physical or emotional exhaustion.
At times we’re just exhausted and listening is especially hard. This might be true late at night if you and your spouse or roommates are trying to have a conversation. At the end of a long day, you might not have any margin to listen well. You want to pay attention, but all you can really think of is taking a nap or going to sleep for the night.
At their core, many of the reasons why we struggle to listen come down to a wrong view of relationships. If we, present company included, viewed listening as a means to love others well, then we’d be better listeners. Instead, our sin and selfishness often reign as we put our needs and desires first.
I’m sure there are other reasons why we struggle to listen well, but this is a good start. As I asked you to do in the beginning of this list, take a few moments to think through why you personally struggle with listening well. What are your specific challenges/trials to listening well?
In the next post we’ll see what God’s word says about listening.
Your Turn: (Share below!)
From the list above, which ones do you most struggle with?
Any other obstacles you’d add to the list above?