Scale of 1-10? How much do you want to grow your marriage?
Today’s guest post comes from my great friend, Adam Tarnow. I’ve known Adam for over 25 years, and he’s one of the best communicators I’ve ever heard in my life (If you know, you know!). In this post, Adam shares a question he and his wife Jackie ask each that’s been a game changer in their marriage.
"So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how big of a deal is this to you?"
This question has been a game changer in my marriage.
Why?
Because it takes something highly subjective (my emotions) and tries to make it more objective.
One of the things Jackie and I have learned about ourselves after 19 years of marriage is that our emotions, like our favorite drinks at Starbucks, come in various sizes.
We’ve found it helpful to not only communicate which emotion we’re experiencing, but also the size - or intensity - of that emotion.
We use this "scale of 1 to 10" for big things and small things.
Planning a vacation: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how disappointed would you be if we left a day earlier?"
Reconciling conflict: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how frustrated are you with my crummy attitude the last few days?"
Parenting our boys: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how disappointed would you be if we decided not to sign him up for basketball?"
Figuring out where to go on a date night: "On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited would you be if we skipped out on Benihana and went to that new Ramen shop instead?"
We use this "scale of 1 to 10" as a general tool, not a precise measurement.
We never nitpick over the actual number. "Okay, I heard you waffle back and forth between a 2 and a 3. Which one is it? Because those are two completely different answers."
Like I said above, all we're trying to do is take something subjective and make it a tad more objective.
We don't expect the other person to describe clearly and accurately what they're feeling with consistency.
This probably won't come as a surprise to you, but we humans aren't known for being able to describe with accuracy and consistency what we're feeling and why we make the decisions we make.
In fact, the Nobel Prize winning scholar, Daniel Kahneman, documented this fact superbly in his 2013 book, Thinking Fast and Slow. As he said, “The logic of rationality is really very extreme and completely impractical for a finite mind.” That’s just a fancy way of saying our decision-making process is often very haphazard.
However, even though we aren't always great at being able to accurately describe what we're feeling and why we behaved a certain way, that doesn't mean we just give up and don't try.
This "scale of 1 to 10" helps us improve our clarity. That's why we use it and that's why it's been a game changer for our marriage.
If you begin using this tool I believe you and your spouse will experience the following three benefits:
More empathy - understanding the intensity of an emotion helps you better empathize.
Improved humility - Philippians 2:3-4 reminds us that when we take the focus off ourselves and seek to understand someone else, that strengthens our humility.
Less "folly and shame" - Proverbs 18:13 tells us, "To answer before listening— that is folly and shame." This "scale of 1 to 10" question forces you to listen before answering. That's never a bad thing.
Emotions, like our favorite drinks at Starbucks, come in different sizes. Using this "scale of 1 to 10" tool will help you not only understand the emotion your spouse is feeling, but also how intensely they are feeling it. That clarity and understanding is sure to be a game changer for your marriage, just like it's been in mine.
The next time you and your spouse disagree or try to make a small decision, use the “scale of 1 to 10” tool. It will help you better understand the intensity of the emotion your spouse is feeling. You’ll better empathize with your spouse, grow in humility, and experience less folly and shame. Win. Win. Win.
Adam Tarnow is the founder of Adam Tarnow & Company, a consulting firm focused on leadership development. He is the co-author of The Edge: How to Stand Out by Showing You’re All In and the cohost of How to Lead with Clay Scroggins and Adam Tarnow Podcast. He graduated from Clemson, received a Ducktorate Degree from Disney University (yes, it's a thing), and is a recovering CPA. Adam lives in Dallas, Texas, with his wife, Jackie, and their two kids.