One conversation with my son that left me completely speechless
This past Easter, all six Kedershas were home and under one roof for the first time since Christmas. Duncan and Drew were back home from their freshman year at college, Carson and Lincoln didn’t have any games or practices, and the six of us enjoyed a few days together as a family. I told them I had one request for our time together at Easter—I wanted to sit down together at the kitchen table, put phones in the other room, and take some time to connect and catch up.
What’s God teaching you?
How are you doing?
No, how are you really doing?
This is the dream for me—to sit down at the table with people I love and enjoy extended conversation without phones, television, and distractions. It might be my dream, but it’s definitely not the dream for our four teenage sons!
I finally convinced everyone to participate and it was a great conversation. All four boys shared, Kristen shared, and then I shared. By the time it got to me, three of the boys were done with the conversation, so it was me, Kristen, and one of the boys. I shared a few things God was teaching me, and then proceeded to share some complaints about work, my health, and life in general.
After I shared, my son turned to me and asked me if he could share something difficult with me. I had no idea what was coming, but I could see his eyes start to water. I didn’t know if he was about to confess some sin struggle or something painful in his life. I just could tell it weighed heavy on him.
It had nothing to do with him. Instead, he pointed out a sin in my life.
“Dad, it seems like you complain a lot. You complain about your weight, your workouts, your health, and your job. I recognize it in you because I complain a lot as well. And I know you don’t want to be someone who complains all the time. I know you want to be someone who’s honest and real, but is also filled with joy and gratitude. I hope you don’t mind me sharing this with you, but I’ve noticed it in the past and definitely in the few days I’ve been home. I want you to know I think you’re awesome. You don’t “suck” and you’re not “the worst person ever.” You’re my dad, and I love you.”
To be honest, I was speechless. Which is a surprise, because I wanted to remind him that i brought him into this world and I can take him out of it!! (Not really - I know Kristen brought him into the world, but still…). Doesn’t he know I’m his dad? He’s staying in my house!
But, he left me speechless. My son was 100% accurate in his words. I couldn’t defend myself. I couldn’t argue. He articulated something I felt in my gut but didn’t have the courage to admit.
I was so proud of him for sharing something really difficult with me. In Philippians 2:14, Paul writes, “Do everything without grumbling or arguing.” In Psalm 16:11, David says to God, “In your presence there is fullness of joy.” Repeatedly in the Old Testament we see the Israelites marked by grumbling and complaining as they wandered in the dessert and it’s never encouraging or something we admire.
My son was right. I do not want to be marked by whining and complaining. I want to be joyful.
From this conversation, I want to share a few things with you.
1. Remember that you can learn from anyone.
Part of me wanted to respond by telling my son to go to his room. How dare you challenge me, your parent? But…. The Spirit of God dwells in my son. He loves me. He was right. How could I not listen to him? I want to be the type of person who’s always willing to listen and learn, regardless of the age, marital status, or season of life of the other individual.
2. Don’t respond with defensiveness.
Listen to what someone has to say. Let it soak in. Remember how much courage it takes people to challenge others. Remember how much courage it takes for you to challenge others! When we immediately respond with defensiveness, we miss out on opportunities for potential growth.
3. Listen, Even If You Don’t Agree.
But what if you don’t agree? If you disagree with the other person, still thank them for having the courage to share something difficult. Take some time to process with others and ask them if they agree or disagree. Be humble and be willing to listen to what the other person shared with you. Just because someone shares something difficult with you does not mean it’s correct. But you’ll never know if you don’t make time and space to process what you heard from them.
4. Ask Yourself If You Complain A Lot.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I am not defined by my complaints or my joy. But, I want to be someone whose life is characterized by the joy of the Lord. Know that people don’t like hanging out with people who complain all the time. It’s just not fun to be around people who whine and complain!
5. What To Do About It.
For years, I’ve taken time every morning to write down 3-5 things I’m thankful for. I have full journals filled with gratitude to the Lord. The practice helps remind me what’s true about the Lord and helps change my perspective. It pulls my focus off myself and my problems and focuses my attention on the goodness of the Lord.
Your Turn:
Take a few moments and ask the Lord if you complain too much. Psalm 139:24a says, “See if there is any offensive way in me.” Ask God if your complaints are indicative of an offensive way.
Ask someone you trust if they would describe you as a complainer.
My son challenged me with gentleness and truth. Is there someone you need to challenge with gentleness and truth?