20 Reasons Why We Rejoice at 20 Years of Marriage
On September 15, Kristen and I celebrated 20 years of marriage. We got married in Atlanta, four days after the attacks on 9/11. Our wedding provided some much needed celebration after a brutal four days for our nation.
For the last six years on our anniversary, I wrote posts celebrating unique reasons why I love my wife (i.e., 19 More Reasons Why I Love My Wife). Since this year is a bigger milestone, we decided to write a post together, sharing 20 reasons why we rejoice at 20 years of marriage.
Some people love celebrating their birthdays. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but I don’t think birthdays are that big of a deal. But an anniversary? Well that’s something to celebrate. It takes two people to make it and celebrate an anniversary. So in honor of this celebration, here are 20 things we’ve done to get us to 20 years.
1. We’re each other’s second loves.
This one is #1 on the list for a reason. Way back in 1999 we heard Louie Giglio talk about his relationship with his wife Shelley. There was never any doubt with each other that the Lord was their first love and they loved each other out of their love for the Lord. They didn’t have to compete to be #1 because the Lord is their first and most important love.
2. We’ve made serving together a high priority.
We used to serve in kid’s ministry together, we teach together on a regular basis, and we’ve led four newlywed groups together over the past 15 years. We’ve loved getting to share the wins and challenges of life with other young couples. It’s so fun getting to see my wife use her gifts to serve others.
3. We appreciate each other’s differences.
No it’s not always easy. Yes, I do think the number of emails in her inbox borders on sin. Yes, my sense of humor and boy jokes with our sons is weird to her. But we seek to understand each other’s differences and celebrate them (See 1 Peter 3:7).
4. We make time together a priority.
With four kids and all that comes with their school, church, and sports schedules, time alone as a couple does not come easy. We’ve had to make time alone together a priority and fight for intentional couple time. We’ve done date nights and plenty of date days. We love our kids, but they can’t be the priority. Fight for time together alone as a couple (See Ecclesiastes 9:9).
5. We make space for the other to get some alone time.
We’ve made it a priority to create some time and space away from others (i.e., kids and even each other). When writing Ready or Knot?, Kristen gave me weekend time to go write. Kristen will take some time during the work week to get a cup of coffee and just relax. We love being together, but time apart from each other matters.
6. Do things the other likes to do.
Kristen especially does such a great job of this. Marriage is an ongoing opportunity to put the needs of others before your own (Philippians 2:3-4).
Question: What’s one way you can put the needs of your spouse before your own (today)?
7. Never live life apart from others.
In our wedding vows we committed to always live life in biblical community. We’re so very thankful for the many couples who we’ve called community over the years. They’ve become like family to us (See Hebrews 10:24-25).
8. Weekly meetings.
Almost every week in our married life, we sit down together on a Sunday night and go over our schedule for the week. It’s not sexy and it’s not romantic, but it helps us get on the same page about everything on our schedules (and the kid’s schedules) for the week ahead. Communication, communication, communication.
9. We’re quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry (James 1:19).
We’ve made understanding the other a very high priority (Proverbs 18:2). The goal of our communication is mutual understanding, not winning every discussion.
10. Corollary to #9 - Apologize and seek forgiveness.
When, not if, we mess up, we’re usually quick to apologize with specificity for how we fell short. And we ask for forgiveness. Often. Marriage provides you with more opportunities to confess, seek forgiveness, and offer forgiveness than any other human relationship. Followers of Christ should be experts in forgiveness.
11. We realized early on that we were one flesh together (Genesis 2:24).
This means when one of us hurts, the other one hurts. When one wins, the other wins. You can’t separate a husband and wife into separate parts—the two become one flesh. For this reason, we always try to fight for unity in our marriage.
12. We make physical intimacy a priority.
The challenges keep coming in this area for us (and for almost every couple), but that doesn’t diminish its significance and its value in marriage. While taking less than 1% of married life, we realize the importance of a healthy sex life and communicate about it when we fall short of our ideal.
13. We consistently seek to honor each other’s families.
In-laws get such a poor reputation, and it’s often unfounded. We committed to doing as much as possible (see Romans 12:18) to leave peaceably with each other’s families. Our families have been a blessing to our marriage.
14. Realize I’m the biggest problem in my marriage.
I say Scott is the biggest problem. Kristen says she’s the biggest problem. When we believe we’re each the chief sinner (see 1 Timothy 1:15) we don’t point the finger at our spouse and blame them. Instead we own our part and take responsibility for the problems in our marriage. GAME CHANGER. For real. No verse in the Bible has impacted my view on marriage more than 1 Timothy 1:15 (as read about in When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey).
15. We go to bed together at the same time almost every night.
This may not be possible for all couples, but we’ve made it a high value to go to bed at the same time. The benefits are numerous, and being on the same schedule gives us more time together.
16. We have a purpose together as a couple.
We want to leave behind a legacy of godliness. This comes both in the form of children (our four sons) and with other couples we get to lead. We are on mission together as a couple and do the best we can to realize it’s not about us.
17. We invested in a case of adultery repellant.
I learned this concept from Michael Hyatt many years ago. Adultery repellant is when we speak so highly about our spouse when they’re around and when they’re not around, that it’s obvious to the rest of the world how in love with each other we still are! The cost of adultery repellant is free but it’s invaluable.
18. We fight to get to the back of the line.
I heard Andy Stanley talk about this years ago, but the concept behind it is that we seek to serve the other person by letting them go before us. For example, Lincoln has to be out of the house at 5:55am to be at football practice by 6:15. While neither of us loves driving him that early, we’ll argue about who gets to bring him so that we can serve the other. Note: It’s not always with a joyful heart… we’re still extremely human.
19. We are best friends.
I just read this in the book Deeper by Dane C Ortlund about how Jesus befriends us. Ortlund writes, “What does a friend do? A friend draws near in time of need. A friend delights to come into solidarity with us, bearing our burdens. A friend listens. A friend is available to us, never too high or important to give us time.” We miss it regularly, but we seek to build our friendship.
20. The grace and kindness of the Lord.
#20 on the list, but #1 in truth. The only reason we’re still standing is the kindness of the Lord and His unending grace and unmerited favor He extends our way. We haven’t earned it and don’t deserve it. Romans 11:36 says, “For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever. Amen.”
What’s next?
Twenty years is a lot to celebrate but we’re not crushing it in every area of marriage. We struggle in some parts of marriage just like everyone else does. But, I’m thankful we’re not just limping across the 20-year line—instead we’re running across it. The Lord has been very kind to us in our marriage. And, we’ve made some good decisions along the way. I hope this post encourages you to keep pursuing oneness with your spouse.
There are two areas where we need to focus our energy for the next 20 years. One is that I want us to grow spiritually together. I don’t do a great job of leading Kristen in prayer. I’d give myself a D in this area of our marriage. It’s been a struggle for 20 years but by God’s grace we’ll keep moving forward.
We also need to have more fun together! I’d like for us to find some hobbies to do together, which will become even more important as our kids start to transition to their next season of life over the next few years.
Thanks for making it to the end. I know it’s a long list. I always end my anniversary posts with the same request—would you please pray for me and Kristen? We value your prayers and hope the Lord gives us many more years of ministry together as husband and wife.
Your Turn:
What did we miss? What would you add to the list that has helped you thrive in your marriage?
Where is an area where you’d like to focus the next year? Please comment and I’d love to pray for you specifically.