A Practical Way to Encourage Your Spouse
We love to use the word “love.” Whether we use it to describe our affections for another person or a pet, our favorite college football team, or our beverage of choice, we often throw out the “L” word. It’s much easier to use it when we talk about a favorite product or team, but it’s kind of a big deal when we use it to describe our feelings for another human being.
The problem is that while we often use the word, many of us don’t live it out in marriage and relationships. We express our love for our spouse or children, but they might not perceive our actions towards them as loving. Someone may say it to us, but we don’t think their actions match up with their words.
We have a “love” problem in relationships. In marriage we express our unending love to our spouse when we declare, “I do.” We tell our spouse we will love them unconditionally, but in reality, it sure appears conditional. We’re fickle and we often will question our love for another and their love for us. When compared to God’s unending, unconditional, undeserved love for us, we all fall far short.
And when we don’t love our spouse well, we get bored, stuck in a rut, and begin looking for love in all the wrong places. This is how affairs start—when the feeling of love doesn’t exist between husband and wife, they begin looking for it in others. This is never justified, but we all know it happens.
One of my first posts I wrote for this website was about 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter. In this passage, I briefly broke down each of the words and phrases used in this passage. While Paul is not talking about marriage in 1 Corinthians 13, we all know how often it is read and quoted in wedding ceremonies. The passage refers to how we use and exercise the spiritual gifts the Lord gives to us. But the way Paul describes love certainly applies to the way a husband and wife should love each other.
A Useful Exercise for Couples to Go through together
In this post I’m sharing an exercise I’ve given to a handful of married couples over the past few months. I’ve found it to be a really useful and biblical way to help couples grow in their love and appreciation for each other. I think you’ll benefit from it as well.
First, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 three times in your Bible translation of choice. Every time the word “love” is used or referenced, replace the word “love” with your name. For example, take 1 Corinthians 13:4: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” Instead I would make it say, “Scott is patient, Scott is kind. Scott does not envy, Scott does not boast, Scott is not proud.” Do this for verses 4-7. You might want to even write it or type it out.
Second, as you look over these four verses, pick the phrase that is most challenging to you in your marriage. Which is the most difficult to apply? For example, as I look over these four verses, the one phrase that’s most difficult for me to live out is from 1 Corinthians 13:5. My reading of it says, “Scott is not self-seeking.” As I read this phrase, all I can think about is how self-seeking I really am! I put my own needs first, I can take advantage of others, and I often believe I fall far short of Christ’s selfless example. What makes it even more challenging is how selfless Kristen is! Read through the verses and identify the most challenging phrase.
Third, read through the passage again. This time I want you to identify something your spouse does really well. What aspect of biblical love do they excel in? As I read through these verses, one phrase that sticks out to me about Kristen is that she is not easily angered (v.5). She is so level-headed and calm. She handles the crazy of a five-boy home so well and rarely loses her cool.
I Have Some Homework For You
A quick recap: read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Replace “love” with your name and read through the passage again. Identify one aspect of love where you fall short and one aspect that your spouse does exceptionally well.
Next I encourage you to sit down with your spouse for a few minutes of a distraction-free conversation. Share with them the area where you most fall short. Ask them if they agree and do not respond with a defensive posture or words when they share with you. Talk about how you can improve in this aspect of your love for your spouse. After this, share the area where you believe they do really well. Affirm and encourage them. Thank them for the way they model this specific aspect of Biblical love. Take turns both confessing and affirming so you both have the opportunity to share what you learned in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
Over the past 18 months, I’ve often reflected on Hebrews 3:13. The writer of Hebrews says, “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” Life has been really hard on marriages the last 18 months. Life is hard enough without all the political, medical, societal, relational, and spiritual challenges we’ve faced since March, 2020. I’m convinced that more than ever we need to make some space and room for encouragement. Encourage your spouse, daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that neither you nor your spouse are hardened by sin.
If anyone should encourage us daily, it better be our spouse. In their daily marriage devotional, The Meaning of Marriage: A Couple's Devotional: A Year of Daily Devotions, Tim & Kathy Keller write, “To be adored by someone you adore is like heaven. And that is what heaven will be like (1 John 3:2).”
Hopefully this exercise gives you the opportunity to better love your spouse and encourage them in this hard season.
Your Turn:
Which phrase/characteristic of love from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is most challenging for you to live out with your spouse?