My Least Favorite 7 Minutes Out of the Last 30 Days
A few weeks ago, after an afternoon filled with mild stressors related to kids, schedules and money, Kristen and I got into a brief, but memorable, argument. Looking back, I can’t remember what the fight was about or how it started. The reason the argument was memorable? Because this argument reminded me how much I despise being in conflict with Kristen.
The argument lasted around two minutes and was followed by five minutes of the silent treatment. I usually think I’m the one responsible when we argue, but this time I was certain I was going to win. In my brain, the list accumulated with the reasons why I was right and why she was wrong. Side Note: that usually doesn’t bode well for me when I think I’m right.
In those five minutes of silence after the two minutes of arguing, I knew I should apologize. I knew I needed to humble myself and ask for forgiveness. I knew I just needed to speak to her.
But:
I didn’t want her to win.
I didn’t want to admit I was wrong.
I didn’t want to be humble.
I wanted to be defensive and right, and wanted her to feel bad for what she did, said and the way she acted.
I didn’t want to act like a 43-year old. I was just fine acting like a 7-year old.
The fight and silent treatment lasted seven minutes. Seven minutes is nothing, but in the moment it seemed like an eternity. Time stood still as we sulked in silence sitting across from each other in our family room.
Today I hope you can learn from my mistakes on how to NOT communicate and conflict.
Why is it so difficult to apologize and display humility in the midst of conflict?
Stepping back:
I needed to remember that the same Spirit of God that is in me is in her.
I needed to remember that I am one flesh with her. If something negatively affects her, it negatively affects me. See Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:32-33, Matthew 19:3-6
I needed to remember that God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. See James 4:6
I needed to remember that I am to love her like Christ loved the church. See Ephesians 5:25-27
How did I break out of it and finally apologize? I remembered all the above. I remembered that we have 15 years of trust developed and I remembered humility looks good on us. Pride will ruin anything and everything. I remembered that she loves me. Why would I question her love for me?
I also remembered how grateful I am that we don’t live this way, that our seven minutes was just that: seven minutes. I know that many couples live this way and I have great compassion for couples who struggle. If this is your story, I hope you’ll come join us at re|engage. Re|engage is a safe place to work on your marriage and to grow in oneness. If you live in Dallas, come join us at Watermark. If you live out of town, click on the Church Locator button on the marriagehelp.org page, and find a re|engage church by you.
The Struggle is Real
I want to write more often about communication and conflict, because these struggles are universal ones in marriage. We all can relate to the day-in and day-out communication battles we all face.
The reality is that none of this is new on my blog. So many of the problems you and I both face in our marriages come down to:
Being quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness
Choosing to be humble instead of prideful
Addressing the selfishness that reigns in our lives (and this one as a bonus)
Not allowing defensiveness to rule our lives.
Today’s Challenge:
Join me today in applying all the above to avoid the seven minutes we all walk through that often feels a lot more like an eternity.
Also join me in praying for all the couples out there that you and I know who wish their conflicts lasted only seven minutes.