Is It Important That I Go To The Same Church As The Person I'm Dating?

For the second week in a row, I got to be a part of a Real Truth Real Quick video. This week’s video answers the question, "Is It Important That I Go To The Same Church As The Person I Am Dating?"

While this question might not be relevant to all of the readers on this site, the post is a great one to share with other couples you know who are dating or engaged. As I did last week on the post, “How Much Money Should We Spend on Our Wedding,” today I share the video along with some other considerations to think through as a couple processes through this important question.

Here’s the video along with eight points to consider in answering the question whether it’s important to go to the same church as the person you’re dating.

1. Before you talk about what church you attend or even about marriage, you should discuss which god/God you choose to follow. This is an even more important decision than who you choose to marry. I use the words god/God with intention. You either choose to follow the One True God (Mark 12:29-34) or you choose to follow a false god or something like money/success.

2. Your faith ought to be the center of your life and should inform the choices and decisions you make. You need and will want to build your life on the solid rock foundation of Jesus Christ. In Matthew 7:24-27, you get two choices - either build your house on solid rock or on sand. The storms, wind and rain are going to come. If you don’t build your house on a solid foundation, your house/marriage will fall.

3. Realize the significance of the marriage decision:

• In his book Life’s Little Instruction Book, author H Jackson Brown, Jr. says, "Marry the right person – this one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.” While I can’t scripture/verse this quote, I will affirm that there is some serious truth to this statement.

• Another way to say it is from Proverbs 12:4: "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.” I recommend you choose to be your crown, not decay in your bones! Choose wisely.

• The truths of Point 1-3 affect the answer to the question posed in this post.

4. The church should play a huge role in helping you build your foundation. Where you worship and go to church is a different decision than where you work out and where you buy your coffee. This is a big deal and a big decision. If you don’t attend the same church or similar type of church, you will receive wisdom and counsel from two different sources.

• The church is one of the main places where we find community and friends. Are you finding your community from the same/similar source?

• The church is where we serve and use our gifts. Again, are you stewarding our resources and gifts at a similar church?

• The church is one of the places where we get equipped to grow spiritually, where we find encouragement and where we receive care. Are you growing, getting encouraged and receiving care at the same church/type of church?

5. We need to exercise wisdom in making decisions about who we marry. Verses like the following should inform our decision-making process:

• Proverbs 13:20 says, "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."

• Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

• One more: Proverbs 19:20 says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future."

• So, are you getting counsel and wisdom from the same source or the same type of source? You will get counsel, advice and instruction, but what will you do if they come from radically different sources? You want your wisdom to come from God's Word, God's Spirit and God's people. If you’re at different churches, do your advisors believe the same things? Are they aligned about the important issues like money, marriage, parenting and intimacy? 

• Do not date, get engaged or get married apart from wise counsel and the input of others. The church should provide friends and mentors to help us process these decisions.

6. But what if we live in different towns? Are you saying we shouldn’t date or get married?  Absolutely not! But, please make sure you attend very like-minded churches and you look for ways to receive counsel and input from community and mentors in your life.

7. How about online dating? Check out another Real Truth Real Quick from Todd and Rick on this very question.

8. If you’re able, whether you go the same church or not, come join us at our next Merge premarital class at Watermark Church. We’d love to help you process next steps in your relationship. One of the topics we cover is spiritual intimacy. In this session we will help you think through what to do if you attend different churches.

• Use your situation, whether you are at the same church or different churches, as an opportunity to discuss as a couple what God’s church should look like. Discuss where you want to be, in what context you want to grow, and how you went to be fed spiritually. Ask where and how you want to serve, find community, and use the gifts God has entrusted to you.

I’m praying today as I type this for those couples out there who need to process this important question. I'm so thankful for the ways God has used His church to grow me in my faith. He has done the same in my marriage and in my children's lives. This is too big of a decision to make without the same or very similar types of counsel.