Three Things Not to Say When Someone is in Crisis: Brett & Chrisey (Part 2)

In Part One of this mini-series, I introduced you to my friends Brett & Chrisey Billman. At the end of the post, Brett teased the major trial he and his family would walk through. While 30+ weeks pregnant with their second child, Chrisey started experiencing vertigo and significant nausea and vomiting. After getting things checked out, her doctors found a hemangioblastoma in Chrisey’s right cerebellum. In more lay person terms, this means she had a tumor of blood vessels that had encapsulated.

The next few days were moment by moment for Brett, Chrisey and their baby. The plan was to wait until baby Colson was in the womb for 40 weeks. then wait six more weeks for brain surgery. Instead, due to some unknown medical complications potentially related to pregnancy hormones, the tumor continued to grow at an extremely rapid clip, leading to the necessity of removing the baby and the tumor as quickly as possible. Chrisey was diagnosed with the tumor on April 10, had the c-section on April 14 and had the tumor removed on April 19th.

Today, both Chrisey and Colson are doing really well. Chrisey had some post-op complications related to an infection in the glue used to seal her skull, but now she has received the “all clear” from the doctors in terms of brain stuff (for lack of a better phrase). Unfortunately, Chrisey is now having to deal with the fallout from not being able to take her Crohn’s medication. She is having joint pain and the Billmans are working through how best to medicate the pain with the fewest long-term issues. I know they would appreciate your prayers.

I am sure you know someone who is walking through a major medical trial right now. I can think of five friends walking through some form of cancer treatment at this moment, all with different diagnoses, different needs and specific prayer requests. While walking through this trial, Brett started capturing his thoughts on some trends he noticed in comments people made to him. Brett has shared these thought with you below (or you can download in a PDF here):

Three Things Not to Say When Someone is in Crisis

When you go through difficult times, it’s amazing how many people contact you in an effort to give you comfort. Recently, my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor while she was 34 weeks pregnant with our son. I have been very appreciative of each person who has reached out to my family and me over the past few months.

So many people want to help, but not many people know what to say or what to do. Through this process, I’ve learned that there are some things we say to each other that offer little comfort and that don’t make sense. Here are some of the clichés I’ve heard lately that initially got me thinking.

1. ‘Nothing can prepare you for this’

In the days immediately after the diagnosis, people shared this phrase with me many times. The first few times I heard it, I didn’t think much of it. I knew this was a common phrase people used when trying to be empathetic to commiserate with me. But, this phrase was never really comforting. After giving it a few seconds of thought, I realized why this cliché really bothered me. This idea is absolutely not true!

The fact of the matter is that I was prepared for this situation. While the words “brain tumor” completely caught me by surprise, I had been preparing for this moment for years.

I had been reading and memorizing God’s Word (Joshua 1:8, Deuteronomy 8:3, Psalm 119:11). I had bound myself to my Savior by going to Him in prayer often (Philippians 4:6-7, John 15:7, John 16:24). I had surrounded myself with other believers who had done the same thing (Hebrews 10:24-25, Proverbs 15:22, Hebrews 3:13).

In the moments after hearing the diagnosis, I immediately recited Scripture on repeat in my head. I knew I was vulnerable in this moment. It was very easy for me to be tempted to believe the lies swirling in my head: you don’t deserve this, God doesn’t care about you, God isn’t really in control – and many others.

Because of my preparation in memorizing God’s word, I was able to combat these lies with Truth as soon as the lies entered my mind. Because of my preparation in prayer, I was able to discern between the voice of my Comforter and the voice of the Deceiver. Because of my preparation in surrounding myself with trustworthy advisers, I was immediately covered in prayer and reminded of Truth when I was tempted to believe the lies.

I remember when my friend Blake’s son was diagnosed with Leukemia. One of the first statements he made was that he was glad he did not have to figure out his theology of who God is on the cancer floor of Dallas Children’s Hospital. Because of my understanding of God’s Word, my intimate prayer life with the Father and my deep relationship with community, I did not have to figure out who God is while in the neurological ICU with my pregnant wife. I was not expecting to be faced with this exact situation, but I was absolutely prepared for it.

Questions:

How is your understanding of God’s Word? How can you prepare in advance by memorizing some Truth? How is your prayer life? Do you know how to pray to God? Do you have deep, loving community around you?

2. ‘He won’t give you more than you can handle’

Here is another phrase people would use in an effort to give me comfort. However, if God doesn’t give me more than I can handle, then I’m expected to handle this trial on my own strength. How is that supposed to be comforting? I’m all too aware that my own strength has no chance at getting me through a trial.

Throughout the Bible, God consistently gives His people more than they can handle. Whether it’s Daniel facing a den of lions or Gideon facing an army of tens of thousands with only three hundred men, God shows His strength. I believe the same is true today. As one of my friends often says, “God consistently stacks the cards against Himself so that he can flex.” In this broken world, we often face issues that seem too big for us to handle by ourselves. We live in a place that is treacherous and overwhelming. If we try to navigate it ourselves on our own strength, it will crush us.

Thankfully, we have the ability to go to the God of the universe with all of our troubles. He is ready to help those who turn to Him. I do not have to handle the things of this world by myself or on my own strength. I have the Creator of the heavens and of the earth on my side.

Question:

In crisis or trouble, do you tend to lean on your own strength or do you turn to the Lord?

3. Sending good thoughts your way’ and ‘You’re in my prayers.‘

So many well-meaning people told me one of these two things when they reached out to me. I quickly found that different people used different phrases to let me know I was on their mind. I noticed a pattern had started to arise: The way people chose their words mattered greatly in how comforting their comments felt.

One of the phrases people typically used that provided little to no comfort for me was, “Sending good thoughts your way.” It always confused me when people said this. What exactly does that mean? How are your thoughts going to do anything about this situation?

The other phrase that provided little comfort for me was, “You’re in my prayers.” The people saying this to me had every intention of their words being a comfort, but they weren’t. This is where wording matters. The phrase itself is passive, which suggests there is little to no praying actually happening. This comment always brought more questions than comfort. For what are you praying? To whom are you praying? When are you praying? Specificity matters.

I would have found it more comforting for the people saying both of these phrases to simply let me know they are thinking about me as opposed to creating more questions that simply confused me. The most comfort I felt was when people would let me know how they were specifically praying for me. I would get text messages and emails that said, “I just prayed that God would give you rest tonight (Isaiah 40:29)” or “My spouse and I just stopped in the middle of what we were doing and prayed that the surgery would go well and there would be no complications with recovery.” Others would ask me how they could specifically pray for us. This gave me an opportunity to be vulnerable and allow them to pray for exactly what we needed in that moment. These are the moments that gave me the most comfort.

Question:

When you tell someone you will pray for them, do you really pray for them, or do you say this because you think you’re supposed to say it?

Next Steps:

After walking through a major trial these past few months, I believe I now have a better understanding of how to comfort others. In fact, 2 Corinthians 1:4 even tells us that God gives us comfort so that we can comfort others with the comfort we have received from Him. I know I will have an opportunity to put this into practice, because this world is broken. In fact, I already have had the opportunity to walk a co-worker through a crisis. I received the opportunity to comfort others with the comfort I received.

Awful things happen every day. Without Jesus, there is no hope in this world. I can take great comfort in knowing that, in the end, it all works out. No matter what happens here on earth, nothing can ever change the end of the story. He has overcome the world!

Brett Billman