What is the hardest job in my life right now?
I write a whole lot about marriage in general and often about my own marriage. Sometimes I write about ministry and leadership. But, I don’t often write about parenting. Why not? After all, Kristen and I have four boys and they provide many opportunities for writing, learning and "growth opportunities."
The reason why I don’t often write about parenting is because, honestly, I feel like I stink at it.
This past week, my family and I went to Pine Cove Woods Family Camp in Tyler, Texas. We love Pine Cove - this is our third year attending Family Camp and it turned out to be another great year. We get to experience great family activities like zip lining and boating, we learn from great teachers (this year’s speaker was JR Vassar), and our kids are led by some incredible counselors every day. Not to mention all the great alone time Kristen and I get together every day.
Each year we attend camp, I learn some great things along the way. Last year the speakers focused on marriage and family, while this year Vassar led us through the book of Galatians. Vassar possesses the spiritual gift of teaching and leadership - the guy can flat-out teach and he loves Jesus.
This year, however, the most valuable lesson I learned was not from the teaching. This year I (re)learned that my hardest ‘job’ is not being a pastor at Watermark, a husband to Kristen, or a friend to other families. My hardest job is being a parent to my four boys.
The reason I don’t often write about my parenting is because it is the hardest job I have and the one I ‘perform’ the worst at. If I received an annual father review, my score would be low and my raise would be small. This is not a self-deprecating post. I know I am good dad in many ways, but I believe any parent will relate to me in the challenges we face as parents.
A few lessons I learned about parenting this week:
Extended time together as a family leads to increased opportunity for family conflict. Take away electronic devices, remove the distractions from work, add a more confined home space for one week and you get much better odds for family conflict. On Tuesday afternoon, we had to sit down and have a ‘Come to Jesus’ to work through some frustrations together as a family.
I wish I had remembered this would probably happen at some point, and I wish I had better prepared my heart and my kids in advance.
Ask for forgiveness, early and often. We ask our kids to apologize and ask for forgiveness from others and from us, so why would we not expect the same opportunities for us to do the same with them? (See "I'm Sorry" is Easy, "Please Forgive Me" is Not). Why is it so difficult to get down on my kid’s level and ask for forgiveness? This week at camp I learned, again, the importance of humility and forgiveness with my kids.
This one I learned from JR Vassar: Connect, don’t correct. In other words, when your kid is about to freak out, lose it emotionally or throw a temper tantrum, instead of mocking them, correcting them, or belittling them, connect with them. Empathize. Get to their level.
For example, my son Drew shared that he lost every game of OctoBall they played as a cabin. He started crying so his cabinmates let him win a game. My flesh wanted to respond by telling him to stop crying like a baby, or reminding him it’s just a game, or some other comment to shut him down. Instead, I learned I needed to connect with him by saying something like: “I bet that was really hard to lose all those games. I can understand why that would make you sad. Can you tell me how you felt in that moment?” In the process, do I condone his temper tantrum? No… we talk through it, but at least it’s in the context of him knowing I am a loving father and not a correcting disciplinarian.
Some applications:
Like step 1 in a recovery program: Admit you have a problem. Don’t pretend you have it all together as a parent. Take some good old self-examination time to discern how you’re doing as a parent (Psalm 139:23-24).
When you admit you have a problem, you live in freedom! You don’t think or act like you have it all together and you experience the freedom that comes from authenticity and transparency and not from pretending to have it all together. You don’t. And neither does anyone else.
Talk with your spouse. Get on the same page with your parenting. Ask one another how you think you can improve as a parent. Be humble, seek to learn and listen to what your spouse says.
Ask your kids how you’re doing. They’ll be the first ones to tell you how you are doing as a parent and how you can improve. For instance, almost every time I ask my kids how I can improve as a dad, they tell me they want me to lower my voice when I get angry and to spend more quality one-on-one time with them. So helpful, and so true.
For the single parent: You are my heroes. I don’t know how you do it. Hopefully you can find someone at your church to help in some of the challenges you have as a single parent. Does your church have a single parent ministry?
This week at camp I leave not with a camp high, but with a humble reminder: Being a dad is hardest job I have. I wouldn’t change it for any other job around.
Next time I will share the big, life-changing other lesson I learned at camp this week. Tease: it has to do with adoption (no, we’re not adopting).
Your Turn:
What is the hardest job in your life right now?
If you are a parent, how are you doing at Connecting, not just Correcting?