Common Characteristics of Couples Who Struggle

A few weeks ago someone asked me what a marriage pastor does in their job. One of the things I shared is that I work with couples all over the relational spectrum: I help premarried couples prepare for marriage, newlyweds start their marriage on the right foundation, and young families keep their marriage strong when kids try to steal every second away from their efforts to work on their marriage.

I also shared that I work with couples who are struggling—couples walking through infidelity or other crises, and couples who “hate each other” and wish they never got married in the first place. She then told me that she hoped to get married someday and wanted to make sure she did all she could to help her have a healthy, joyful, thriving marriage. She then asked a very insightful follow-up question.

“What are some common characteristics of couples who ‘hate each other’? Whatever they are, I want to make sure I learn from their mistakes and struggles.”

I’ve thought many times about common characteristics of couples who thrive, but had never given much thought to any consistent patterns of couples who wish they’d never gotten married in the first place.

Here’s what I shared with her (so that you, like her, can make sure you do all you can to not end up resenting your spouse).

Common Characteristics of couples who struggle and can’t stand each other:

1. Neither spouse is pursuing Jesus.

There’s no abiding relationship with Christ. In John 15:5, Jesus says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” In other words, if we do not stay consistently connected to the Lord, then there will be no fruit in the marriage (see also Galatians 5:22-23). Apart from God we can do nothing. I consistently see this pattern of couples avoiding the Lord and experiencing a distant relationship from each other.

Question: How are you each doing at pursuing Jesus? Are you making decisions informed by scripture? Are you praying together?

2. They don’t know how to communicate or manage conflict.

We must communicate with each other in marriage and we need to learn how to manage and resolve conflict. In fact, one of the leading causes of divorce in couples is an inability to deal with conflict. There’s simply no way to avoid this in marriage. Married life requires a million little decisions, seemingly every day. We must be able to discuss these decisions with each other and we need to manage conflict when we don’t agree.

Question: How are you and your spouse doing at communicating with each other? Do you create sufficient time to talk and manage conflict?

3. They’re isolated and don’t have strong community.

It’s not good for us to be alone (Genesis 2:18). This is both a marriage and a community verse. God created us with a need for relationships—marriage is filled with tough moments (1 Corinthians 7:28) and, as shared above, one decision after another. Sometimes we get stuck and need others to help us get unstuck. Couples who struggle tend to try to make it on their own without bringing others in to help.

Question: How’s your community? Are you isolated in your marriage or are you inviting others into your lives?

4. They’re bored and tired.

One of the common characteristics of couples who walk through infidelity is that their marriage is marked by boredom. They lack excitement in their lives so they look for it in other relationships outside of marriage. In his book The Anatomy of An Affair, Dave Carder discusses how boredom is a common characteristic in couples who walk through infidelity. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says to enjoy life with the wife whom you love. Fight for fun and excitement in your marriage!

Question: Is your marriage marked by fun and excitement? Do you enjoy being married to each other?

5. They blame their spouse.

Couples who struggle always point the finger at their spouse as the source of their problems instead of owning where they fall short. We see this in the first marriage ever between Adam and Eve. When the man and the women eat the fruit in Genesis 3, instead of owning how they fell short, they both blamed others: It’s that woman you put here - it’s her fault! It’s that serpent - it’s the serpent’s fault! Couples who thrive learn how to work on themselves; couples who struggle will always blame their spouse or blame others.

Question: Are you owning where and how you fall short or do you just blame others for your challenges?

6. They’re not committed and They look for the way out.

Kristen and I told each other early on in our marriage that we would never threaten each other with divorce. We made the commitment early on that we would always fight for our marriage and not give up. Couples who look for the way out or a loophole in marriage will not make it. The possibility of escape leads them to a performance-based relationship that will not survive.

Question: How’s your commitment level in your marriage? Are you looking for a way out, or are you committed to your spouse?

A few additional thoughts:

1. It’s possible that you’re doing all the right things and avoiding all the wrong things. You’re patiently and faithfully pursuing the Lord and your spouse. But, maybe your spouse isn’t helping at all. Maybe they’re not interested in growing your marriage.

I genuinely am so sorry this is the case. My main encouragement is to remain faithful and keep doing the things you’re doing. Pray for them and do not grow weary of doing good (Galatians 6:9). Make sure you get help and encouragement from community and the body of Christ. Seek counsel from wise friends, pastors, and counselors.

2. If you’re struggling or if you’re doing well and want to proactively work on your marriage, check out the ministry re|engage. re|engage is now in over 500 churches across the country, and is a safe place for your marriage, whether it needs to be reignited or completely resurrected. I can’t recommend this ministry highly enough for you and your spouse to reconnect and work on your marriage.

I know there are more than the six characteristics above, but these are common characteristics of couples who hate/strongly dislike each other.

Your Turn:

As always, let’s learn from the collective wisdom of this community.

1. What would you add to the list above?

2. What do you do that helps you avoid struggles in your marriage?