What can you learn about conflict from the NFL?
All successful football teams in high school, college and the National Football League (NFL) make it a regular habit of watching game film. Coaches prepare their teams for the next game by having them watch their future opponent's previous games. Players learn how to play their positions better by watching game film of their own games. And, good coaches figure out how to win future games by learning from their own past failures and successes.
In the article A Former Player's Perspective on Film Study and Preparing for an NFL Game, writer Marc Lillibridge says,
Everyone in the NFL watches film in preparation for the game the coming week. Every player starts the week after a game by breaking down the previous game as a unit or in positional meetings.
The coaches will correct mistakes individually and as a unit. Great coaches take the time to teach the correct techniques and to show players where they can improve.
Players are the hardest on themselves when they make a mental error or play a technique wrong.
What I Learned About Conflict From the NFL
We need to do the same thing in marriage. One of the most effective ways to grow in your marriage is by watching game film from your past conversations and conflicts. Since we don’t actually record our conversations, we need to get in the habit of discussing our past failures and successes. By debriefing and communicating about our ups and downs in marriage, we can better learn how to not repeat the same mistakes in the future.
Proverbs 26:11 says, "Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.” When we make the same mistakes in communication and conflict in our marriages, we are like the dog who continues to return to his vomit. The visual is gross, but we are all guilty of this from time to time. We are just about guaranteed to return to our vomit if we don’t take time to watch our game film and learn from our mistakes.
What does this look like practically? I’m glad you asked!
Tuesday morning we had a challenging morning with our kids. It was our fourth child’s birthday, and we intended the morning to be a fun celebration before sending the boys off to school. Instead, we got to experience a knocked-over drink, arguing, pointing fingers, mild yelling and hurt feelings. What was supposed to be a great celebration ended with a Honda Odyssey filled with six irritated people.
After dropping the kids off at school and Kristen back at home, we hopped on the phone together during my car ride in to work. On the drive, we had the chance to ‘watch game film’ from the morning. In other words, we discussed the debacle of the morning we experienced together.
We discussed the ways we each would have handled things differently and we also affirmed areas where the other did well. I was amazed at how a 10-minute conversation with my wife helped redeem a disappointing morning.
A few suggestions:
Don’t be defensive. Be humble. Ask good questions to your spouse and learn from what they share with you.
Celebrate areas where you did well! Don’t be afraid to affirm your spouse.
Remind each other that you are on the same team and both want to “win" the next time around. Your spouse is your teammate. You are “one flesh” together - she is not your opponent.
Pray for wisdom and ask God to help you make the changes you discussed together. Ask God to remind you how terrible vomit tastes. Do you really want to be like the dog who returns to his vomit?
Don’t wait too long after the conflict to debrief together. The longer you wait, the more you’ll forget and the more challenging it will be to learn from your mistakes. Practice Ephesians 4:26 by keeping short accounts in your marriage.
Your Turn:
Discuss with your spouse or significant other how you can do a better job of "watching film" together.
Share any conflict resolution wisdom with others in the comments section below.