The Unexpected Opportunity of a Pancake Temper Tantrum
Every Saturday morning, I make pancakes for my kids. It’s a tradition like no other. Cinnamon Rolls on Christmas morning, March Madness every March, candy corns at Halloween and pancakes every Saturday at the Kedersha house. When we have early morning soccer games, I make pancakes for lunch or dinner instead. And, you need to know I make the best pancakes: pancake mix, orange juice and chocolate chips. They might lead you to a diabetic food coma, but you’ll enjoy the ride along the way.
A few Saturdays ago, while making pancakes, we started arguing as a family. In addition to me and Kristen, we have four boys, aged 6 through 11. Loud noise and arguing is often how we roll. But, this wasn’t the usual bickering and arguing. This was quickly escalating to full on conflict. Blaming, pointing fingers, pride, and escalation. And that was just me. Add the other five members of the family, and it got pretty heated. I have no idea what we were fighting about, but whatever it was, we were each convinced we were right.
Instead of leading my family like a godly husband should, I responded by taking a handful of chocolate chips and throwing them across the kitchen onto the counter and floor. Instead of bringing us back down, I upped the chaos. Instead of doing whatever I could to bring peace and unity to my family, I took the next step of immaturity and anger.
At that moment, one of my twins walked over to me and asked me two questions:
“Dad: Is this how we’re going to resolve conflict in this family?”, and
“What about all of that resolving conflict stuff we always talk about. Does that just apply to the rest of us and not to you?"
Ouch. He was spot on. My response: “SHUT UP you little brat. Keep your mouth closed and pick up all the chips on the ground!”
Of course I didn’t tell him that, even though I may have been tempted to do so. Rather, I thanked him for de-escalating the conflict and for speaking truth into our family immaturity (mostly my immaturity). I apologized to my family and asked for forgiveness. We then spent a few minutes reminding ourselves of Truth. We talked about verses like:
Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ephesians 4:1-3 - I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Romans 12:18 - If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
In the process, even while getting humbled, I thanked God for His Word and for His design for conflict. Left to my own tendencies, I am prideful, angry and mean. Yet God’s Word instructs me to live at peace, to seek unity and to speak soft answers, not harsh words.
Even though I wish I had handled things very differently, as I look back on the family conflict, I am thankful for opportunities to resolve conflict in ways that honor God and grow my family. I am thankful my 11-year old is growing up at a church and in a family who talk about conflict and who acknowledge that conflict and hard conversations are a part of real life.
I don’t have a source on this, but I frequently hear that one of the top two reasons married couples get divorced is because they don’t know how to resolve conflict. While we work through conflict as a family, we are discipling our kids to know how to resolve conflict with friends, co-workers and in their families.
Husband & Wife: How do you handle conflict in your marriage? Do you withdraw from conflict? Do you escalate?
Parents: These are great opportunities for growth when you share these lessons with your kids. Disciple your children on conflict. Read God’s Word and share with them.
One of the top reasons why I love my church is because of the way our leaders talk about how to resolve conflict. Today I have three incredible resources to share with you that will help you in ALL of your relationships: with your spouse, your children, your neighbors, your co-workers and even your in-laws!
Watermark’s Conflict Field Guide. Download, print out, read and discuss.
Conflict: A Constant Opportunity. One of my favorite series from our lead pastor, Todd Wagner.
Talking is Easy, Communication is Not: Biblical Communication and Conflict for an UNCOMMON Marriage. This is from Watermark’s marriage conference, UNCOMMON. In this session, Kristen and I teach through 10 common communication and conflict mistakes couples make.
Your Turn:
How do you view conflict? As something to avoid at all costs, or as a necessary skill?
If you're married, how are you doing at resolving conflict in your home?
As parents, are you training your children how to biblically resolve conflict?
Read A Lasting Promise, by Dr. Scott Stanley, et al. Excellent resource on biblical communication and conflict resolution.
Check out the resources above!
Photo Credit: Flickr, Nadia D'Agaro