What is the One Thing I Most Crave From You?
Today I’m off-topic of marriage, ministry, parenting and books. In this post, I just want to keep it real and share a story near and dear to my heart. In the process, I’ll share the one thing I most want from you.
Once Upon a Time
There once was a boy named Scott who grew up in New Jersey. His dad died when he was six years old and his mom remarried when he was 10. Scott, his little brother, mom and step-dad moved from New Jersey to Pennsylvania where Scott graduated from high school before he headed to greener pastures at Wake Forest University in Winston-Salem, North Carolina.
He almost always did what he was supposed to do. Scott still remembers on the day his dad died what someone whispered in his ear. He doesn’t remember who it was, but he remembers exactly what she told him.
Since your dad died, even though you're only six years old, you need to be the man of the household.
The weight of that comment stuck with him. Some might say it still sticks with him today and still drives his behavior.
As the man of the house at six years old, you don’t want to mess anything up. You crave the approval of others and don’t want to ever let anyone down.
"Your mom needs you. Your little brother needs you. Don’t mess things up, Scott."
No one ever said those things to him, but those were the voices he heard in his head. He made some poor choices over the years, but for the most part found success in everything he did.
But, he also had a secret. At the age of seven, he saw porn for the first time. He didn’t know exactly what he was looking at, but he knew he liked it. First it was magazines and then it became movies. Over the years, the addiction grew and he started acting out what he saw.
The combined weight of his porn addiction and his need to earn the approval of others became a lethal combination and a very heavy load to bear for Scott.
"Don’t let people know what’s going on and don’t let people down."
He found himself lonely and suicidal as a senior in college. No one knew because on the outside he kept it all together.
Fast forward 21 years….
Now as a 43-year-old, the porn addiction is gone, although he does still struggle with lust. But, Scott realizes how much he still gets weighed down by the approval of others. He craves praise, attention, and "atta boys." And he sure doesn’t want to mess up. Now that he’s married to an amazing woman and has four incredible boys, the stakes are higher. He just wants to be the man of the household and doesn’t want to mess up or fail you or anyone else.
So why do I tell you this story? Why do I tell you MY story?
Partly because I just need to confess how much I want you to like me. I’ve shared this before, but it bears sharing again. I have this sinful, sick need for approval. Every time I walk into a room I want to be the most-liked person. I want to know your name and I want you to know mine.
This plays out not only in person but also online, on this site. I so badly want your online approval. For some that might come out as pretending to have it all together and creating a fake online persona. If you’ve read my blog before, you know that’s not my modus operandi. You know I’ll keep it real.
Rather, for me, it means I derive my value and approval from how many likes, shares, and comments every post gets. I want you to be blown away by my wisdom and I just want to succeed as a writer. Sometimes I allow my worth to be determined by the traffic I receive on my blog. I just want to be the kid who doesn’t mess up and who leads as a responsible “man of the house."
Scripture gives us so many warnings about the fear/approval of man. Here are a few:
In Galatians 1:10, Paul writes, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Proverbs 29:25 says, "Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
We see people such as King Herod and Pontius Pilate compromise their integrity and leadership when they elevated the approval of the people over the approval of God.
Over and over God tries to warn us of the dangers of pursuing the approval of man. I believe He reminded me again today that I’ve got to stop caring so much about winning others over. I don’t want to be a jerk, but I’ve got to stop finding my value and worth in what you think of me.
Thanks for extending me grace. I hope I do the same for you. Thanks for reading some of my story.
Your Turn:
Where do you find yourself craving the approval of man/woman?
When you struggle with people-pleasing, what do you do to get out of your rut?