One thing no one wants but all families need
As a husband, dad and pastor, I want my wife, kids and friends to describe me as courageous, sacrificial, provider, and warrior. I want some manly adjectives! I don’t want them to describe me as kind, amiable, meek or mild. In other words… don’t call me gentle.
The word gentle seems to have a negative connotation in our culture. When I think of someone who is gentle, I think of the way we tell a 3-year old to treat his new baby sister or how to pet the new family dog. Or, we think of some old, sweet man like Mr. Rogers. No man longs to be described as gentle.
However, in the last few weeks, three different things challenged me in my need for gentleness:
As I recently read through the Proverbs in Join the Journey, I found myself challenged by the high number of references to gentleness in the way we treat and talk to others.
The marriage ministry team at Watermark recently memorized Proverbs 15.1: "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (NIV) Pretty blatant...
At home, I found myself using a harsh tone with my kids and a lack of gentleness in my word choice. I was using harsh words to describe others, words such as idiot or jerk, and I raised my voice too quickly with my kids.
Paul talks about gentleness as a part of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23. Paul writes, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law." I was not demonstrating the fruit of gentleness.
A few verses to look at:
Proverbs 15:4: A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Proverbs 15:18: A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. (NIV)
In 1 Peter 3:3-4, Peter writes to women: Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
In Colossians 3:19, Paul says, "Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."
In 1 Timothy 3:2-3, while describing the characteristics of an elder or overseer, Paul writes " Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money."
A harsh word is a word of pain, one that is hurtful. A gentle word, on the other hand, is considerate of others. Gentleness is often shown in contrast to a harsh word or tone.
Here are a few ways you can be more gentle with your spouse, significant other, kids, friends and coworkers.
Encourage others rather than discourage. See Ephesians 4:29. Use your words to build others up, not tear them down.
Check your tone. Even if your words are benign, keep a gentle tone instead of a harsh one.
Instruct by example. As you lead your kids, make sure you model for them how you want them to act towards each other.
Watch your non-verbals. Look at your posture and your facial expressions. If you could look at your eyes, what would they say?
Examine the condition of your heart. I know, in my heart, when my words and tone do not show gentleness. Pray for your interactions to be marked with gentleness and calm, not anger-provoking.
When I think about the conflicts in my home, we never experience world war 3 or anything remotely close. But, I repeatedly believe that my lack of gentleness further fuels much of the conflict in my home. While I don’t often desire to be described as gentle, I know it is a part of the fruit of the Spirit, and I know our family needs to be marked by gentleness.
Your Turn:
Husbands: Would your wife define you as gentle in your tone, words and actions towards her?
Wives: Would your friends say you are gentle in the ways you talk about your husband behind his back?
Parents: How are your tone and actions with your children? Would they typically use the word gentle to describe you?