Opening Your Eyes to Better Understand and Love Your Spouse

Kristen and I had a recent discussion about the little things we do that annoy each other. Sometimes she talks too much and other times she wants to talk with me when I’m using the bathroom. Sorry for TMI.

I annoy her by hitting the snooze button too many times (I know… it’s so annoying). But the thing I do that most annoys her is that when I wake up in the morning (after hitting the aforementioned snooze button) I want to turn all the lights on.

I want to go from pitch black to fully lit in a moment. Kristen, on the other hand, wants to shower, dry her hair, brush her teeth, and get dressed in the dark. I don’t get it and we annoy each other with our preferences.

If I’m honest, it goes beyond annoying to full-on frustration at times. Why can’t we turn the lights on? Why do I have to stumble around in the dark and use my flashlight on my phone? Why does she always get her way? Sometimes the little annoyances can become downright frustrating.

A few weeks ago I had my annual eye exam. As part of the exam, the ophthalmologist put several sets of drops into my eyes to fully dilate them so that he could see whatever he needs to see in my eyes (nerves, arteries, veins? I have no idea). Regardless, I know that after getting the drops, my eyes stay fully dilated for a few hours. This means light really bothers my eyes. I put on dark shades to get to my car, struggled to read for the next few hours, and realized that all light bothered me. When did the sun get so evil? I was so annoyed by the light.

Huh.

Maybe this is what light is like to my wife in the morning. Maybe it’s not just a preference or selfish desire. Maybe the light truly bothers her in the morning. Maybe she can’t just “get over it.”

When I told her how much the light bothered me after my appointment, she said, “Now you know what it’s like to be me in the morning.”

I finally understood.

Empathy can be defined as your ability to see and understand what someone thinks or feels from their point of view, not from your own. You put on their shoes and walk the way they walk. You get in their seat and see what they see. You feel what they feel and think what they think.

How valuable is this in marriage? The fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing their own opinion (Proverbs 18:2). Someone with empathy seeks to understand. I’ve worked with married couples for too long to know this isn’t the norm. Shoot—I’ve been married long enough to really know this isn’t the norm.

Jesus, who though was without sin, understood what we walk through. He understands our temptations and struggles. Yes, He walked through them like we do, but walked through them without sin. We have a high priest who understands and who is empathetic with us (Hebrews 2:18, 4:15).

What Does Empathy Look Like In Your Marriage?

What would your marriage be like if you lived as though you were one-flesh? When your spouse mourns, you mourn. When they celebrate, you celebrate (Genesis 2:24, Romans 12:15).

After getting my pupils dilated, my eyes were opened (pun intended) to what my wife experiences every morning. Instead of belittling and getting annoyed by her, I’m learning to empathize with her.

It got me thinking—what other ways can I better empathize with others?

• How can I better empathize with what my teenage sons are walking through in high school and college?

• What if I better empathize with couples I meet with? Instead of just telling them what to do or not do, what if I felt more of what they felt and sought to better understand them?

• What if I took time, energy, and emotion to better understand what the other families in my life group are walking through? What would happen if I listened to and cared for them in more empathetic ways instead of just offering solutions?

I think I’d be a better husband, dad, pastor, and friend.

Imagine if you did the same. What if we put on empathy like Jesus did for us? We have a High Priest who understands what we think, feel, and experience.

Lord, open our eyes. Again, pun intended.

Your Turn:

How can you better empathize with your spouse, family, friends, and co-workers today?