What Are Helpful Questions You Could Ask Your Spouse On A Consistent Basis?
A few days ago a friend reached out to me and asked what questions couples could ask each other on a consistent basis.
What questions should couples ask each other on a regular basis to help proactively strengthen their marriage?
I am all for couples asking each other good questions before problems start. I love seeing couples proactively discussing the state and health of their marriage. Most married couples are so busy with all the good things of life that they forget to make time for the most important things in life. They forget to make space to discuss their marriage. Good questions and conversations help strengthen marriages and will highlight potential problems before they start or get worse.
Many couples I know struggle in the areas of communication and spiritual intimacy. They also don’t make space for challenging conversations. In fact, my observation from 17+ years in full-time marriage ministry is that couples desire this type of intimacy but don’t make the time and space for it and don’t know what to ask each other. We don’t have good role models to know what this looks like, and many of us (especially men) seem insecure in sharing what we’re learning. When you bring two people together in marriage, chances are good they’ll both struggle on their own and in sharing together.
In this post, I provide some honest, practical questions you can discuss with your spouse. They’re largely related to intimacy (Spiritual, emotional, relational, sexual). As your spouse responds, don’t defend, but rather listen, and then thank them for the feedback. Ask for clarification when needed. See your spouse as God’s provision to grow in Christlikeness and in your marriage.
It's Question Time
Please take some time to ask your spouse the following questions (Note: there are a bunch of them, so know you won't be able to discuss all of them in one conversation. Rather, pick a few of them to discuss together at any given time):
General Marriage Questions:
On a scale of 1-10, with 1-“terrible" and 10-"all I ever hoped for," how would you rate our marriage?
How’s our communication and conflict management? Rate on a scale of 1-10.
What do we need to keep doing in our marriage? Start doing? Stop doing?
Are there any areas or patterns in our marriage that we would not want our kids or other married couples to imitate?
Spiritual Intimacy:
What are we each learning in God’s Word?
How are we doing in our prayer life as a couple? How can we do a better job of praying together? Time? Place? Method?
How can I pray for you? What burdens your spouse?
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How can we better use our gifts to serve others? Are we sharing our faith with friends/family/neighbors?
What’s my spouse’s greatest strength? How can I encourage my spouse to use his/her gift’s in a way that helps others and brings glory to God?
Emotional Intimacy:
(Ask yourself) Is there anything I need to confess to my spouse?
How am I doing at living with you in an understanding way? (Read 1 Peter 3:7)
What’s one way you can help lighten their load and bear their burdens? (Read Galatians 6:1)
What’s one way I can serve my spouse today that would surprise them (without them asking me to do it)?
When’s the last time I encouraged my spouse? (Read Hebrews 3:13)
Relational and Physical Intimacy:
How can I better care for you?
How am I doing at romancing/pursuing you without any expectation of anything in return?
How are we doing at pursuing friends/community?
How can I pursue you better regarding sexual intimacy?
When’s the last time we went out on a date together?
When’s the last time we were intimate together physically? When’s the last time I initiated with my spouse sexually?
How are we doing at stewarding the resources God has enrusted to us?
How often are we seeking counsel from wise friends, pastors, or counselors? PR 13:20
Like I said, it’s a lot of questions. Take your time going through them. There are certainly more that can be added to this list, but hopefully it provides you with some ideas on how to more intentionally discuss the state and health of your marriage. Take some time to encourage and affirm one another. Take some notes on how you can apply some of what you learned/heard from your spouse. And then take some time to pray for your marriage and for deeper marital intimacy (not just sexual).
Give yourself some time and space to have a good heart-to-heart conversation.
A great time to have this conversation and ask these questions might be at your weekly meeting.
Your Turn:
Are there any questions you would add to the list? Please comment below!