Three Ways You Can Intentionally Grow Your Marriage By the end of 2023

Left to my own desires, I often drift towards laziness and passivity. I enjoy mindlessly scrolling through Instagram and streaming hours of shows and movies on tv. I choose sleep, reading, and even writing over working out or walking. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with sleep, reading, and writing, but I will often choose passivity over intentionality, passivity rather than activity.

I notice the same tendency in our marriage. We have plenty going on with work, bills, four teenagers, house projects, and daily tasks required to make life go round. Almost everything else takes precedence over our marriage, especially if we’re doing ‘fine.’ The tyranny of the urgent of work, bills, and teenagers wins out just about every time.

The same holds true for most married couples. We choose passivity over the hard, intentional work it takes for a marriage to thrive. Without a plan or intentional efforts, our marriages drift towards complacency. Eventually we settle into being mere roommates with each other. We compare our own marriage to others who divorce or separate and think we’re good enough because we’re not as “bad off” as offers.

Falling in love is passive. Growing in our marriages takes effort. Selfishness reigns (James 4:1), and we choose self over other. And while we may not divorce or separate, we settle.

But what would it look like to intentionally work on our marriages? What would it look like to put a plan or practices in place to help us grow and not just settle into marital complacency?

In this post, I’m sharing how we can break out of these ruts and more intentionally plan to grow our marriages. I want to get super practical and give you some helpful tools and practices to grow your marriage.

1. Pursue Jesus and Pray Together.

The best way to grow your marriage is to become more like Jesus.

The Bible doesn’t provide much instruction on how to be married well. Outside of Genesis 2:18-25, Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Peter 3:1-7, the books of Hosea and Song of Solomon, some scattered Proverbs on the challenges of living with a difficult spouse, and a description of the Proverbs 31 woman, there’s not a whole lot else to guide us.

The Bible doesn’t tell us how many nights per month to date your spouse. It doesn’t tell us how much money to spend on your marriage. God’s Word also doesn’t provide us with many, if any, godly marriages to learn from and emulate.

So how can the Bible help us in our marriages? While we don’t get a ton of direction from the Bible on marriage, we do get an entire Bible’s worth of wisdom on what it looks like to follow the Lord. We can learn how to be like Jesus—to be humble like Him, to serve others, to listen well, and so much more.

My new book, The Ready or Knot Prayer Guide, provides 100 ways for you to pray for your marriage. The book is written for seriously dating and engaged couples, but the principles and biblical wisdom will help grow every relationship. This guide helps couples know how to pray for and with each other to help build a lifelong habit of prayer together.

2. The Weekly Meeting

I’ve written about this weekly habit before on my blog, but it’s been a while since I’ve brought it up. Apart from following Jesus and praying together, this simple habit of a weekly meeting might be the most important thing we’ve ever done for our marriage.

There’s nothing sexy or romantic about it, but every week, Kristen and I sit down together and discuss our schedule for the week ahead. We look at commitments we have, activities for the kids, and schedule decisions we need to make. We take the time to keep short accounts with each other and to make sure we’re on the same page with the week ahead. Some weeks we discuss financial decisions to make sure we’ve processed weighty decisions.

Sometimes we even plan what night(s) we’re going to be physically intimate with each other. With busy schedules, sometimes it helps to plan it out! You better believe I’m keeping that appointment!

Sometimes the weekly meeting includes some hard conversations. It’s not the only time we confess to or challenge/sharpen each other, but it does provide an intentional time and place for these conversations.

3. Dating Your Spouse Doesn’t End When You Say “I Do.”

I’ve written at length about the habit of intentionally dating each other in prior posts, so I won’t go into too much detail. This habit has proven to be a giant blessing in our marriage for the last 22 years. Whether it’s dinner out at a favorite restaurant, a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop, or even an intentional date at home, Kristen and I have greatly benefitted from the habit of dating each other.

I hope it’s a habit we never stop. I just listened to a podcast where a couple shared how they’ve been on a weekly date with each other almost every week for the last 26 years!

Here are a few questions to ask each other about dating each other:

• What’s your definition of a date? Does a cup of coffee out at a coffee shop count as a date? How about dinner at someplace like Chick Fil A?

• What kind of date do you love? Do you like longer dates or shorter ones? Outdoors or indoors? Something we’ve done before or something new/novel?

• Do you know each other’s Love Language? Can you date each other according to your spouse’s primary Love Language? I provide a few ideas along the lines of each of the 5 Love Languages in this post.

More than anything, I recommend you date your spouse in a way that shows you know and understand them (1 Peter 3:7). Ask questions and creatively pursue each other.

Here are a few practical Date suggestions:

Try a date day - use a vacation day and go on a date from 9am-3pm! If you have young kids, see if family or friends can watch your kids. If they’re in school, while they’re studying away (thank you, teachers!), enjoy a date and maybe even an afternoon delight (wink, wink).

Do a babysitting swap with some friends. Watch their kids so they can go on a date, and then they can watch yours on your date night. Off the bat this will save you $40-60 that you can use to invest in your marriage.

Remember this is your date. If Chick Fil A and Home Depot float your boat together as a couple, then enjoy that date to your heart’s delight. Again, date each other in ways that will bless your relationship.

Not everyone has this luxury, but if you’re able to, invest financially in your marriage. We put aside a little bit of money every month for an anniversary trip and for date nights. Dating each other does not need to cost a lot of money, but your marriage is an investment you want to make a high priority.

Marriage is hard work, but it’s a good work. There are so many ways to intentionally work on your marriage. I shared three in this post (pursue Jesus and pray together, the weekly meeting, and the habit of dating each other). I don’t know what works for you, but your marriage is worth the investment of time and resources.

Your Turn:

I started the More Than Roommates Podcast with some friends to help with this very challenge! We want to help you and your spouse become so much more than just roommates. Specifically, check out Episode 2 - How to Intentionally Grow Your Marriage.