The Importance of Keeping Short Accounts

A few days ago, I got frustrated with my wife for the absolute, dumbest reason.

We’re hosting a marriage conference at Harris Creek on February 2-3, and I asked conference attendees to submit their favorite couple photo for a slide show. The conference has a sports theme and we’re challenging couples to be great teammates in marriage. And because of the sports theme, I encouraged couples to submit a picture wearing their favorite team colors or swag.

I found the perfect picture. We’re both wearing green Baylor shirts. Our smiles are great and we’re looking right at the camera. The sun was shining and I’m sure the Bears were winning. With excitement I texted Kristen the picture just before I uploaded our contribution.

Kristen didn’t like my “perfect picture” and instead suggested we submit a different one. She sent me a picture from earlier in the week at a Baylor basketball game. I look goofy in the picture and we’re not even looking at the camera. I thought she was joking but that’s the picture she asked me to use.

I’ve learned in marriage and in parenting to pick my battles. Major on the majors and overlook the little things. I didn’t like the picture Kristen liked, but I submitted it for the slideshow. No big deal, right?

A few minutes later, I found myself getting frustrated.

• Why does she always get her way?

• How come she didn’t want my picture? What a control freak.

• FINE. She can get what she wants. I’ll lay down my life and “give myself up for her” as Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:25. (I know I’m dramatic).

I didn’t say anything that night or the next morning. I knew I was being short with her—brief answers, pretending to be busy, get to work early.

That next day I was meeting with a couple and encouraged them to keep short accounts with each other. I challenged and encouraged them to think through the fact that if you don’t keep short accounts, then resentment and bitterness can build up (Hebrews 12:14-15). This was one of the issues that most affected their marriage—they didn’t know how to address small frustrations with each other.

In that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks: I was not keeping short accounts with my wife. My frustration over something minuscule continued to build and I realized in that moment I needed to confess my pettiness and frustration to Kristen.

Ephesians 4:26 - Paul says “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.”

Matthew 5:23-24 - Jesus says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

Both passages point to the importance of keeping short accounts with others.

Ephesians 4:26: I let the sun go down on my anger. Instead of quickly addressing this petty issue, it slowly built up and led to frustration with Kristen. The challenge is clear from Paul, in that we need to be swift in addressing issues with our spouse.

Side note: I think couples sometimes misunderstand this passage, thinking they need to resolve every argument before they fall asleep. Sometimes we’re frustrated and it’s late at night. The later it gets and the more tired we become, the worse we can get in resolving issues. If you reach that point, take a moment to affirm the relationship, agree to swiftly come back to the problem the next day, and get some much needed rest.

Matthew 5:23-24: Jesus says that we need to prioritize the restoration of broken relationships. When you know there’s brokenness in your relationship with someone else, Jesus tells us restoration is the highest priority!

Over my many years of working with couples I’ve seen what happens when couples don’t keep short accounts. Bitterness grows as couples sweep issues under the rug. Resentment builds and the relationship erodes. They keep track of all the wrongs and ignore the rights.

And it’s not just restricted to marriage. I’ve seen this challenge in work relationships, community groups, and with children. No relationship is exempt from the challenge of keeping short accounts.

When we don’t keep short accounts, we build walls and relationship suffers. I’m thankful for biblical counsel that encourages us to keep short accounts.

As soon as I got out of my pastoral care meeting, I called Kristen and confessed my frustrations that came from my petty insecurities.

Sic ‘em, Bears!

And you know what’s fun? That picture Kristen likes? I kind of like it as well! We’re cheering on our Bears to a victory, and we’re truly joyful. We had a great night together as a family and we made some fun memories.

I still think the picture is a little goofy and, to be honest, wonder why my son, who took the picture, didn’t ask us to look at the camera. But, I’m glad it’s the picture we get to share with others. And I think whenever I see this picture moving forward, I’ll be reminded to keep short accounts with my wife and with others.

Your Turn:

Is there someone you’re not keeping short accounts with? Will you commit to going to them quickly to attempt to restore your relationship?