What to do when you’re stuck
A few months ago, a female co-worker and I met with a married couple in our church who needed help making some decisions. They were stuck in their marriage and decision paralysis led to significant stress in their relationship. They needed to make some decisions and couldn’t figure out what to do. They tried to figure it out on their own, but it led to more and more stress in their relationship. The stress between husband and wife began to bleed out into their kids and friends.
I totally get it. There are times when Kristen and I are stuck in decisions and it absolutely affects our marriage. Sometimes marriage feels like one big decision after another which leads to stress and fatigue. Next comes apathy, defensiveness, and isolation. If you struggle in this area of your marriage, you’re not alone. But it’s also not healthy to stay stuck.
When we met with this couple, we discussed where and how they were stuck and what to do about it. In this post I’m sharing what we told them and what you can do when you and your spouse get stuck.
What To Do When You’re Stuck
1. Remember you’re on the same team.
Sometimes we need the very important reminder to be for each other. Your spouse is your teammate and not your enemy. Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” You are one with each other! This is not a time to make unilateral decisions and it’s not a time to opt out of decision-making. Be a team together.
2. Discuss together, ask good questions, and listen.
A few great scriptures come to mind. Proverbs 18:2 says, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.” James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…” Ask good questions. Serve your spouse by asking questions and by engaging in the conversation. Remember the importance of gentle responses (see Colossians 4:6, Proverbs 15:1, 16:24).
If you respond with anger, defensiveness, or do not let your spouse speak, then you’re only making the problem worse. Instead when we respond with humility and a steadfast posture, we create the right context for conversation and teamwork.
3. Seek counsel from God’s Word.
Sometimes the Bible speaks directly to the question or issue at hand and provides a black and white answer to the decision at hand. Other times you might need to seek out biblical principles to help get you unstuck. You might want to check out the website GotQuestions.org. This helpful website might help guide you when you don’t know were to turn in God’s Word.
4. Seek counsel from God’s people/community.
Genesis 2:18 says it’s not good for us to be alone. This is both a marriage and community verse. God gives us the gift of community for many reasons, but one of them is definitely to help carry our burdens (Galatians 6:1-2) and to process decisions.
I can think of many times Kristen and I got stuck on a decision and had to turn to others. We remembered we were on the same team, we asked good questions and responded with humility, we sought counsel from God’s Word, and prayed. But, we were still stuck. I can think of times this happened in discipline issues or parenting decisions with our sons. We were stuck a few years ago when trying to decide whether to stay in Dallas or move to Waco.
So many times we sought counsel from God’s people, and I’m so thankful He gives us the gift of community when we’re stuck.
5. Pray.
This is not fifth on the list because it’s fifth most important. Clothe every step along the way with prayer. Pray together, pray with community, pray and ask God for wisdom as you make decisions (James 1:5). Pray before you talk with each other and ask God to help you each be humble, caring, kind, generous, gracious, and so much more. Pray, pray, and pray again!
6. Trust God and Sleep Well.
This is sometimes the toughest part. When you do everything above, you eventually need to make a decision and get unstuck and move forward. You make a decision and you seek to trust God with wherever He leads you (through prayer, Scripture, community).
Once you do this, you put your head down at night and sleep well, knowing you’ve been faithful with every step along the way.
Sometimes I know this is tough. Flash back to May 2020 when our family made the decision to move to Waco. For two months, we were stuck. We needed to make a decision about my job and where we were going to raise our kids. Just like my friends that we met with were stuck, so were Kristen and I.
As we look back, we’re so thankful for the ways we processed our decision to move to Waco. We love our new home, community, and church family.
Same with the couple referenced above. It was fun to see and hear the joy they experienced when they made some tough decisions through the counsel referenced above.
Every married couple knows what it’s like to be stuck and we know the pain of staying there. I pray these steps will help you get unstuck in your marriage.
Your Turn:
When is a time when you’ve been stuck in your marriage?
What did you do? Is there anything you’d add to the counsel above?