12 Lessons Learned in 12 Years of Parenting
Last week was a big week for the Kedersha family. On May 26, 2004, my wife gave birth to our twin sons, Duncan and Andrew. They have been two of the greatest gifts in my life, and on May 26, 2016, my boys turned 12. They “graduate" from elementary school this week, and in a few months will start junior high. Sometimes it feels like it has been 12 months since they’ve been born; other days it feels like it’s been 12 decades!
In honor of their 12th birthday, I want to share 12 things I’ve learned from being a dad to my 12 year-old twins. To make this post even better, I’d like to welcome my wife Kristen to the screen. While Kristen is my #1 editor and encourager, this is the first time she takes to the keyboard. I asked her to come up with six items she’s learned and I will share six of my own. So let me rephrase the first sentence of this paragraph: We want to share 12 things we’ve learned from being parents to our 12 year-old twins.
1. (Scott) God is more creative than I can even begin to fathom. Our twins are fraternal twins, but they were still conceived at around the same moment in time. They were born exactly one minute apart. They have the same parents and have grown up in the same home. Yet, they couldn’t be any more different from one another. One loves sports, the other loves reading. One is extroverted, the other introverted. One loves physical affection, the other is kind of like a porcupine. If God could create two human beings at the same time from the same sets of DNA, think about how creative and beautiful He is in everything He has done and all He has created (Psalm 8:3-4).
2. (Kristen) I’ve learned how much God loves me even though I frustrate Him. There are days that one of the twins and I can get sideways with each other, and just not quite be able to nip it in the bud before we are both unhappy and frustrated with a conversation or situation. But when the issue is resolved, I realize I love them just as much or even more. The unconditional love the the Lord shows us, always, is hard to fathom. But when I see a snapshot of it played out with my boys I am grateful for the reminder that God’s love is completely unconditional, and is a never-stopping, never-giving-up kind of love.
3. (Scott) I’ve learned how sinful I can be. Parenting brings out some sin struggles I never knew I had and amplifies the ones I knew I did have. When I parent, I realize I can be selfish, angry, prideful, and much more.
4. (Kristen) I’ve learned how much God wants my heart and not just right actions. I see my boys respond when I ask them to do something and sometimes it is with grace and a happy heart, but sometimes it is completely out of an “I have to” posture. When it is out of a love for me, love toward another person or out of love for Jesus, the demeanor and meaning is so much greater. The token, "I’m sorry for whatever I did” is not what the Lord (or I) want. He wants a contrite heart that cares to repent or follow Him out of love (Isaiah 29:13).
5. (Scott) The burdens that come from parenting are heavy. To think of how responsible we are for the growth and maturity of these boys is sobering and humbling. Parenting keeps us dependent on the Lord and provides us with more opportunities to pray than anything else in our lives (1 Thessalonians 5:17, Colossians 4:2).
6. (Kristen) I’ve learned how much he wants me to obey the first time. From the time the boys were toddlers, we talked about obedience meaning doing something “right away, all the way, with a happy heart”. And we taught them that delayed obedience is disobedience. Partly I want them to obey the first time because that is easier on me (confession). But, ultimately I’m reminded that the Lord wants us to surrender and follow him and this looks like first-time obedience. So when I feel the Lord prompting me to have a conversation or make a move on a project, I’m reminded that I need to listen and act the first time (John 14:21).
7. (Scott) I’ve learned that kids are a source of conflict in our marriage. I am sure someone told us this before the boys were born, but man… parenting provides plenty of material for marital discord. Kristen and I argue about kids more than anything else, especially when we try to discern how to best discipline our kids.
8. (Kristen) This one is similar to #1, but from my perspective. I’ve learned how I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm139). Our twins are SO different. They look so different, that for the longest time they barely looked like brothers, let alone twins. They each have a little bit of Scott and I in them (obviously), and they can compare themselves to one another. And that is where I remind them and in turn remind myself that God makes no mistakes. We are each uniquely gifted and we should not wish for the talents and gifts of the other person but give thanks in all things and use our gifts to better the kingdom.
9. (Scott) I’ve learned how crucial it is to choose your spouse very carefully. I couldn’t be more thankful for Kristen Kedersha. She is the best mom I know and is an amazing partner in crime as we seek to raise our boys. The decision of who to marry plays out in every aspect of your life, especially if you have kids together. Choose wisely.
10. (Kristen) I’ve learned how God’s "rules" are for my good and I need to trust Him. This might be the hardest: trust. But as we parent, we have taught our boys things like don’t run in the street so you don’t get hit. Or consider what you are listening to in music to protect your heart and mind. And no matter the age (including my age), sometimes it’s hard to not be curious or selfish or sloppy and ignore or defy what the Lord has put in place to protect or grow us. So as I watch them trust us or ignore us, I’m reminded that our Good Father is protecting us and growing our trust in Him by having guidelines for us.
11. (Scott) The process of letting go is hard and is only going to get harder. They already don’t want to talk to me at times. They’d rather be with their friends, devices, and activities. I knew it was coming, but somehow I thought I would be immune and that our relationship would be different. I don’t necessarily like kids, but I love mine. What a privilege and joy to be the parent to these two boys (as well as our other two sons). They take time, money, sweat, tears, money, more time, and more money. But, making disciples in our boys is one of the most priceless gifts in my life.
12. (Kristen) I’ve learned how much I need God in order to be the parent He wants me to be and that our kids need. Of course, I knew this from day one especially with twin boys. There was no way I could handle two babies at once without the Lord’s provision for patience, energy, finances, and much more. And there were days as toddlers and young elementary boys, that drove me to my knees because I was losing my mind, disciplining, refereeing or chasing after them. However, as we hit 12, I am more aware that we are in uncharted territory, and I will have to continue to allow them to grow in independence and make choices that may not be the ones I would make. I need the Lord to guide us as parents on when to make boundaries and when to let them make decisions. And mostly I need to continue to pray, and pray still more, being dependent on Him to protect them, guide them and grow them into amazing young men that know, trust, follow and love the Lord.
Your Turn:
How about you? For those of you with kids, whether they are 12 days old, 12 years old or 100 years old, what have you learned from being a parent? What wisdom can you share with us rookies who don’t have a teenager yet? What is God teaching you through the gift of parenting?
If you have kids, take a few minutes and list out a few things you have learned. What lessons have you learned as a parent?