Two More Things To Do If You Want To Be Unfaithful To Your Spouse (Part 2)
We all know couples who have walked through infidelity in their marriage. Maybe it was your parents, a sibling, a close friend, or maybe it’s even part of your own marriage story. Sometimes couples get divorced after an affair, sometimes they stay married and are miserable and other times couples push through and THRIVE in their marriages. Hard to believe, but some of the best marriages I know are couples who have walked through infidelity in their marriage.
Whatever your story, I deeply hope that infidelity is not and will not be a part of your marriage. To that end, today I share part two in this mini-series on affairs.
In part one of this series on infidelity, I shared two decisions a friend of mine that led to unfaithfulness in his marriage. First, he allowed a controlled substance (alcohol) to lower his guard and the guard of women he pursued. Second, he chose to isolate from others and refused to allow others into his personal life. In this post I share the third and fourth decisions my friend made that led to his infidelity.
Friend: The third decision I made that led to my infidelity was that I led a secret life on social media. My assistant had access to my work email and many could see my public social media profile on Twitter and Facebook. But, I led a secret life through Facebook and instant message. There were some areas of my life that I did not give access to anyone. Through these channels, I was able to develop and grow relationships with other women. Through inappropriate messages (i.e. sexting), I nurtured relationships with women that went from emotional affairs to full on physical affairs.
Scott (aside): There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with social media. While there are cautions with regard to wasting time on social media or how we can get caught up in comparison on social media, there are so many benefits of social media (including the ability to connect with friends, share pictures of loved ones with other loved ones, and share resources such as this blog post! Don’t be afraid to hit those like or share buttons, by the way!).
But, the downside of social media is that many affairs get started on social media. Secret passwords, instant messages and other apps allow us to connect with others in a way that was not possible in the past (i.e. wesbites like Ashley Madison and hook-up apps like Tinder). My recommendation is for a husband and wife to have full access to each other’s social media accounts, including passwords and all messages. Do whatever you can to remove temptations (1 Corinthians 10:12-13) and to build trust in your marriage.
Kristen and I know each other’s passwords, and I am grateful that she can look at any device or any form of social media and I have nothing to hide. My friend now lives in freedom with social media after giving his wife full access to all social media.
Friend: I am certain there are other reasons, but the fourth main choice I made that led to my affairs was that I lived a double life spiritually. In other words, I lived a hypocritical life. I spent time with the Lord every day, prayed, led bible studies, led others, memorized scripture, worshipped in church and much more. The outsider looking in on my life would have assumed I was "Christian of the year." But… I quarantined my spiritual life to certain times and places, and completely left God out of other areas of my life. I put God in a box and thought I could keep Him out of certain parts of my life. Apart from God, I pursued other women and lied and hid.
Scott (aside): This one scares me more than any other of the choices my friend made. I also can live this way. I know how to lie, cheat, manipulate and put on a false face. I can play my wife, my friends, those I lead, my kids and everyone around me. I know the right words to say and the right actions to take.
You do too. In 1 Timothy 1:15, the apostle Paul acknowledges that he is the chief sinner. This means he is well acquainted with the depravity in his heart and the sin he is capable of committing. A right understanding of marriage starts with a believer’s acknowledgment that he/she is the chief sinner and that any of us is capable of gross sin.
John 15:5 says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing. This means that we must depend on Him for both the forgiveness of our sins and also for daily fruit. We can’t make Jesus a priority in some areas of our life and exclude Him from others. My friend now knows he must build and live his life on the foundation of Jesus Christ (Matthew 7:24-27).
What I find interesting about my friend’s choices is that these are the same decisions we see over and over and over at Watermark and at re|engage. When an individual gives in to an addiction, isolates himself, is loose with opposite sex boundaries and social media, and doesn’t have a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus, I am NEVER surprised an affair happens. In fact, I'm more surprised when one doesn't take place.
I have much more to say on this topic. Originally this was going to be a two-part series, but I think I will expand on some other thoughts next week.
I am praying for you, reader. If I can pray for you specifically, please don’t hesitate to contact me through the Contact page or in the comments section below.
If you are struggling in your marriage, if you are walking through infidelity or if you want to do anything you can to help strengthen your marriage before an affair takes place, check out re|engage.
Your Turn:
Do you have boundaries when it comes to opposite sex relationships?
How’s your relationship with social media? Does your spouse have access to your accounts, email, text messages? Do you have anything you are hiding that you need to confess?
How are you doing spiritually? Are you living a double life and trying to keep Jesus out of some aspects of your life?