4 things to do if you want to be unfaithful to Your Spouse (Part 1)
A few weeks ago I sat down with a friend and he shared with me his marriage story. His story is the one many of us see and hear way too often. It’s the story of boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love and get married. And then boy sleeps with a different girl. And then another girl after that. And maybe another one after that. Often this story ends with boy and girl getting a divorce and boy and girl then marrying the next girl and boy.
My friend’s story is different in its ending in that boy and girl are still married. And their marriage has never been better. I asked my friend about his story and how he and his wife are still married today. In this two-part series I share four poor choices my friend made that led to his affair and a series of lessons he learned along the way that should apply to all of our marriages.
I am a big fan of playing good offense in your marriage. Playing good offense means you do premarried prep before you get married, you establish your marriage as newlyweds on the Matthew 7:24-27 foundation of Jesus Christ, and you proactively work on your marriage every single day of your married life. Therefore, these lessons apply to those who have walked through infidelity in their marriage, as well as those who have been faithful to one another since they said “I do” on their wedding day.
Scott: What happened in your life that led you to have your affairs?
Friend: To make a long story short, I was an idiot. I was prideful, narcissistic, and made a series of decisions that caused a whole lot of destruction to my wife, my children and many others in my life. I was arrogant and placed my desires over those of my wife, my kids and many others who were affected by my decisions.
Scott (Aside): Lesson to be learned: I see in my friend a humility and ownership of his sin. He’s not blaming anyone or anything else. One of my favorite marriage verses is a verse that seemingly has nothing to do with marriage. In 1 Timothy 1:15, the apostle Paul writes, "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.” In this verse, we see that Paul is in touch with the wickedness in his life and heart. It doesn’t matter whether someone has sinned ‘worse’ or more often that Paul. All sin offends God and brings separation between God and man.
My friend is in touch with the wickedness in the decisions he made. Fortunately it has led him to a newfound brokenness and humility.
Scott: Was there anything in particular that led to your infidelity?
Friend: I’d say there were four main choices involved. The first factor is that I struggled with alcohol. I didn’t get drunk per se, but drinking lowered my guard and also lowered the guard of the women I pursued. Under the influence of a controlled substance, it became easier for me to pursue them. I was not able to function with the mental and spiritual clarity I needed to be faithful to God and to my spouse. Since coming clean with my affairs, I no longer drink or allow myself to compromise my mental and emotional clarity with controlled substances.
Scott (aside): What’s your ‘controlled substance’ that lowers your guard? Is it alcohol or drugs that lower your clarity in thought? Is it approval of man that leads you to seek comfort and pleasure in the arms of someone who is not your spouse? It is pride or entitlement that makes you believe you deserve something more?
By the way, this is not an anti-alcohol post. I am certainly not opposed to the occasional alcoholic beverage. BUT, if drinking leads you to have an affair, than I am against alcohol for you in your marriage.
This is a great example of 1 Corinthians 6:12: "“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything." While drinking (in moderation) is lawful, for the case of my friend, it was neither helpful for him, nor did he have control over his actions when he drank.
Friend: The second answer is that I isolated myself from others. While I had many friends around me, I didn’t let others in to get to know me. I had placed barriers in my path so that others could only go surface level with me. This was of course in part because I didn’t want others to know about my infidelity. It became easier for me to keep others out of my life so I didn’t have to even think about confessing my sin to another.
Scott (aside): Are you letting others into your life? Do you have real community around you? Who are the people in your life that you will call in moments of celebration and the ones you will call when you need to talk through a temptation or struggle or when you need to confess sin?
Daily I thank God for the group of men in my life who I consider to be a part of my community. These are men who are not ‘impressed’ by me, who love me and my family and who care about my intimacy with Jesus.
In part two of this series, I will share the third and forth factors/choices that led my friend to infidelity in his marriage.
Your Turn:
What’s your “controlled substance?” What is the thing(s) in your life that could lead you to either lower your standards or compromise your integrity?
Who are the people in your life that you consider to be your community?