What if you want to pursue the Lord but your spouse does not?
I started blogging in March, 2014 and I’ve written 400 posts over the last decade. But I’ve never addressed the topic of this new post.
What if you want to pursue the Lord, but your spouse does not?
I know this is so common and a challenge for many couples. I see it in couples who are unequally yoked spiritually (believer married to a non-believer) and I see it in couples where both husband and wife are believers, but one is chasing hard after Jesus and the other one isn’t.
What we believe about Jesus is the most important thing about us. Directly aligned with our beliefs about Jesus is whether or not we live out what we believe. Our faith impacts, or should impact, every part of our lives: the way we spend money, steward our time, parent our kids, work, make friendships, serve, and so much more. If we’re to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Matthew 22:37), then our entires lives ought to be lived in obedience to Christ.
It only makes sense then, for a spiritual mismatch to be a huge source of angst and frustration in a marriage. If this is your story and you’re pursuing Jesus but your spouse isn’t, know how very sorry I am that this is your story. You’re not alone, and I want to provide you some encouragement for those moments when you feel alone, discouraged, and without hope.
If this is not your story, take a moment and thank the Lord for the marriage you and your spouse have. And then share this post with a friend who is not equally yoked with their spouse.
While lists are usually not complete, I want to share four principles to help encourage you in the midst of your spiritual mismatch.
1. Don’t nag your spouse—this rarely, if ever, works.
It’s only natural to want to nag your spouse, to remind them of the importance of spiritual intimacy with Jesus. It’s natural to remind them about church, Bible study, opportunities to pray together, and small group. Opportunities abound to grow spiritually. But, most of the time, your reminders and nagging are not going to win them over.
Rather, read Pete’s wisdom in 1 Peter 3:1-2. While this passage is written to wives, the principles applies to men as well. Peter writes, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
In other words, do your best to win them over to the Lord, not with your words, but with your behavior. As you pursue Jesus and exhibit fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), the hope is that your spouse would see your fruit and want to follow and walk with the Lord as you are faithfully doing.
2. Sometimes we need admonishment.
If your spouse isn’t a follower of Christ, then your only hope is that they come to know Jesus. Pray for their conversion and for the Lord to get their attention.
But if your spouse is a follower of Christ, and isn’t living it out, they might need to be admonished. In 1 Thessalonians 5:14, Paul writes, “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”
When we admonish someone, we warn or counsel someone who’s living an undisciplined or idle life. I’ve been admonished at times in the past for being slothful in lifestyle choices. I appreciate when someone is willing to lovingly admonish or wound me (Proverbs 27:6). Your spouse might need some admonishment to stop living an undisciplined life spiritually. This often comes best not from their spouse but from a trusted friend, so don’t be afraid to ask others to help if your spouse is not pursuing the Lord. Let others bear the burden with you.
3. We all need patience.
In this same verse referenced above (1 Thessalonians 5:14), Paul says to “be patient with them all.” We all need patience! You need patience and your spouse needs patience.
I’m so grateful the Lord is patient with me. After rebelling for the first 24 years of my life, I’m grateful He never gave up on me.
I’m so grateful my spouse is patient with me. Kristen is a saint at times, in the ways she demonstrates patience towards me in the midst of my sins and struggles. I’m so grateful she doesn’t give up on me in the midst of my daily struggles and battles.
Don’t take the Holy Spirit’s job. God’s timetable is different than our timetable. Remember you need patience and your spouse needs patience. Don’t give up. Speaking of not giving up…
4. Be persistent in prayer.
I think of the persistent widow in Luke 18:1-8 who did not give up. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says to pray without ceasing. And Galatians 6:9 challenges us to not grow weary in doing good.
One of the challenges many of us face is that we don’t believe in the power of prayer. God doesn’t need us to pray to do as He wishes, but when we do pray we draw closer to the Lord. Whether or not God answers your prayers for your wayward spouse, you will draw closer to the Lord when you’re persistent in coming to Him and pleading with Him for your spouse.
Not yet married?
If this is your story and you’re not married but dating or engaged to someone who’s not chasing after Jesus with the same passion and vigor, then consider this post a gift for you. This should provide you with the wisdom you need to break-up if you’re dating a non-believer (2 Corinthians 6:14). Or, if you’re both believers but you’re chasing hard after Jesus and your significant other isn’t, then you should at a minimum hit the pause button and seek wise counsel before you continue your relationship.
So what’s next?
As a reminder, you’re not alone. I know if often feels that way, but God sees you and He loves you. And He loves your spouse even more than you do. Don’t nag, admonish as needed by bringing others in, be patient always, and be persistent in prayer.
Your Turn
Is there anything you’d add? Any other suggestions for those who are pursuing Jesus but their spouse is not?