Why you Need to Own Your Part Before You Blame Your Spouse
I know it’s a strange hobby, but I love to read books about marriage. I have way too many marriage books both at home and at work. No question—I’m a marriage book nerd. I scour publisher’s websites for new marriage books that are “Coming Soon!”, and I love books about specific topics in marriage (i.e., intimacy, marriage prep, communication).
As I said, it’s a strange hobby. But when I find one I enjoy, I want to talk about it!
I just finished the book How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told by Harrison Scott Key. I watched his TED talk called How We Stay Married and a friend told me about his new book.
But before I go any further, I need to give a few caveats in case you want to read it on your own.
He cusses a decent amount. All words I’ve heard, and sadly used, many times before. But I want you to know they’re in the book so you’re aware and so that you don’t listen to the audio book with little ears around.
While talking about the gospels, he says, “what you find is that Jesus can seem like a real a$$hole.” He gives specific examples of times when Jesus seems to brush people off. I understood what he was trying to say; I just don’t like that he said Jesus can seem like an a$$hole. I cringed. Hard.
I don’t always agree with some of the decisions he makes and the way he chose to cope with pain and trials. But I’m certain others could say the same thing about me.
My favorite thing about this book.
I flew through this book. It reads like a novel, and I wanted to know what happened to the author’s family. The book is legitimately an insane love story.
Harrison and his wife Lauren are seemingly happily married with three kids. Long story short, Lauren has an on-again, off-again affair with one of their married neighbors, Chad. The affair leads to chaos in their home, affecting their marriage and their three kids (as you would guess).
The book tells their story. I won’t give away any more of it—you can read it yourself.
But what most encouraged me about this book is the way the author acknowledged his own sin in their marriage. While he’s not the one who had the affair, throughout the book he does an admirable job of owning his faults, quirks, and sins. While none of these faults, quirks, and sins justified or excused his wife’s affair, Harrison’s willingness to admit how he hurt his wife and their marriage is something we can all learn from.
He acknowledged how his personality could grate on the nerves of his wife. He admitted that his sense of humor and wit sometimes were a form of escape/avoidance that prevented them from working through the real issues. He confessed how he didn’t help his wife when she really needed help. All that to say, while he didn’t take ownership for the affair (which he shouldn’t), he did acknowledge how he contributed to the un-health of their marriage.
I’ve worked with couples for over 17 years, and I so often see couples blame their spouse instead of owning their sins and shortcomings. I’ve been married for 21 years and often blame Kristen instead of owning my part. It’s so refreshing to see someone admit their contributions to the problems in their marriage instead of blaming their spouse for the problems.
The clear application for me is that I want to be someone who owns his part before I look to Kristen to blame her.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus addresses this very idea in Matthew 7:3-5. He says:
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
A few important things to take note of in this passage:
1. He doesn’t say the other person is without sin. He acknowledges the fact that the other person has a speck in their eye.
2. Our vision is distorted when we ignore the plank in our own eye. Our vision is impaired and we can’t see clearly. We’re like a hypocrite when we focus more on the other person.
3. Taking the plank out allows us to see more clearly. We need others to help us see the speck or the plank in our eyes.
This passage has nothing to do with who’s more at fault; rather, we need to be people who own sins before we so quickly focus on the sins of the other. In his book, Harrison Scott Key didn’t just focus on his wife’s large, egregious sin. Instead he acknowledged and dealt with his own large, egregious sins.
Draw the circle around yourself and work on everyone inside the circle.
For years, my friends at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, TX have used the phrase, “Draw the circle around yourself and work on everyone inside the circle.” I love this phrase, and it’s a perfect example of Matthew 7:3-5 and the way Key owned his own problems in his marriage.
Doing this requires trust, because we have to believe that the Lord and His people will help our spouse deal with their stuff. And we can help with that as well, but we ought to start by owning own part, drawing the circle around ourselves, and work on everyone inside the circle.
Your Turn:
Do you tend to focus on your own sin or the sins of your spouse?
Initiate a conversation with your spouse and let them know you want your marriage to be marked by drawing the circle around yourself and focusing on the person inside the circle.