Three Steps to Take When You Struggle To Believe The Best In Marriage
Have you ever found yourself misunderstanding your spouse, assuming the worst, or struggling to communicate clearly?
You're not alone.
Every married couple I’ve ever met, present company included, struggles at times with how to communicate and manage conflict well.
Thankfully we’re not without counsel on how to communicate more effectively with our spouse. In this post we’re going to look at a popular passage from God’s Word and discover how we can strengthen our marriage in an area where couples often struggle.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Many couples include 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 in their wedding ceremony. Paul’s description of love in these verses provides a powerful picture of the kind of love couples desire to live out. While the passage has no direct connection with marriage in its original context, Paul’s famous love passage certainly describes the type of love a husband and wife want to live out together. 1 Corinthians 12 and 14 teach us about the spiritual gifts; 1 Corinthians 13 tells us what happens when we exercise the gifts without love.
About a year ago, I heard a friend share three marriage applications from 1 Corinthians 13. I come back to these three applications often and I think they’re worth sharing with others.
1. Believe the best and don’t assume the worst.
2. Ask questions to clarify.
3. Seek to understand your spouse.
I thought it would be helpful to unpack each of these three applications and then illustrate what it looks like to live out these applications.
1. Believe the best and don’t assume the worst.
For many, the default is to assume the worst case scenario about others. Sadly, many often assume the worst about their spouse. God intends for us to be for one another as we live in a one-flesh relationship with our spouse (Genesis 2:24). Followers of Christ choose to marry their spouse and enter into a covenant with one another because they love and trust each other. To enter into a lifelong covenant relationship means we trust the other person, so much so that we commit until death do us part.
But somewhere along the way, many couples slide into a lack of trust. They seek to win and be right and stop believing the best about their spouse’s actions and motives. A love that seeks to trust and hope will fight to choose and believe the best and not assume the worst (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Here’s how this plays out. Hypothetically, let’s say I told Kristen I’d be home from work at 5:30, but 5:45 rolls around and I’m still not home. Kristen can assume I’m not home because I love my job more than I love my family. She could also assume I went out for drinks with my co-workers. Or, she could believe the best and guess that I got pulled into a tough pastoral care situation and it kept me from texting her and getting home on time. A spouse who believes the best looks for possible explanations instead of assuming the worst.
Ask God to help you believe the best about your spouse. Pray that God would change your heart posture to keep track of rights and not assume the worst.
But when you can’t…
2. Ask questions to clarify.
So much of married life would change if couples took the time to ask each other questions when they lack clarity instead of jumping to the worst case scenario. It can be challenging to believe the best and not assume the worst. So when you don’t know what to do or think, then ask questions to bring clarity to the situation.
Sometimes we can act like we know all the answers. We think we can mindread the assumptions and thoughts of our spouse. But, we forget how complex we all are! We can’t read our spouse’s minds, thoughts, or motives.
In 1 Corinthians 13:4, Paul says “love is patient.” When we ask questions to clarify, it requires patience. We must take the time to think through what questions to ask and we must be patient to listen.
Asking questions to clarify is half the battle. We must also listen and…
3. Seek to understand your spouse.
Proverbs 18:2 says, “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”
Simply put, I don’t want to be a fool. This third step follows #2 so well. Ask questions to clarify, listen to what your spouse says, and seek to understand them.
1 Peter 3:7 says, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (ESV). Live with each other in a way that shows you understand them.
When we display a love that is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5), we take the time and make the effort to seek to understand our spouse.
If you struggle to listen well to your spouse or find yourself assuming the worst, you are not alone. Paul’s famous love passage in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 provides such incredible wisdom on how to love others, and in this case, how to love our spouse. When you struggle, choose to believe the best, ask questions to clarify, and seek to understand your spouse.
Imagine how different your marriage could be if you consistently did these three things: believe the best, ask clarifying questions, and seek to truly understand your spouse.
Your Turn:
1. What’s one step you can take to better communicate with and understand your spouse?
2. What’s one way you can choose to believe the best? i.e., keep track of good things your spouse does.
3. How can you improve your listening skills so you can better understand one another?