5 Ways To Develop Grit in Your Marriage (Pt 2)
Welcome to Part 2 in this short series on 5 Ways to Develop Grit in Your Marriage (you can find Part 1 here). I defined marriage grit (with the help of Angela Duckworth) as the never-give-up attitude that leads a couple to endure, push through challenges and go the distance as a husband and wife. Too often couples lack the willingness to live life as if it’s a marathon instead of a short-term sprint.
Angela Lee Duckworth is the author of the book Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance and a Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. Duckworth noted that intelligence or talent were not the sole factors in determining whether or not an individual succeeded in something like a spelling bee or in the Green Berets. Rather, she noted that the presence or absence of grit was the factor that determined whether or not someone succeeded. This concept can be extended beyond intelligence and talent to whether or not a couple will stay married.
In Part 1 I shared how marriages can display mental and emotional grit. Today I share three more ways couples can display and develop marital grit.
3) Physical
I’ve written much before about physical intimacy, so rather than regurgitate it all right here, I’ll share a few comments and then refer you to links from prior posts.
Proverbs 5:18-19 says, "Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love."
We are to enjoy each other sexually within the context of marriage. Be satisfied. Eat, drink and be drunk with love (Song of Solomon 5:1)! The husband’s body belongs to his wife, and the wife’s body belongs to her husband (1 Corinthians 7:3-5).
Continue to date and romance each other in marriage. Couples who pursue and continue to date each other after saying, “I do” demonstrate marital grit.
For further reading, check out my post 124 Killer Date Night Ideas and my series on The Most Important 0.625% of Your Marriage.
4) Social/Relational
This represents both the face-to-face friendship as well as the shoulder-to-shoulder companionship couples should have with each other.
As mentioned above, make sure you date your spouse and create time for your marriage.
Companionship might be the most undervalued aspect of a relationship. Create time to laugh and enjoy each other. Build your friendship.
Couples who show social and relational marital grit communicate and resolve conflict. They don’t just sweep their challenges under the rug.
Marital grit challenges us to selflessly serve our spouse (Mark 10:44-45, Phil 2:3-4).
A great example of this is a marriage ministry teammate of mine who watches Star Wars and plays board games with her husband because she knows it encourages and blesses him to do those things.
Pursue and value community and friendships (Hebrews 3:13, 10:24-25). One of the best ways to grow your marriage is to walk through life with other couples in the same stage of life who will challenge and encourage you to faithfulness in your marriage.
Put your phones and devices away and spend time talking. Don’t just be roomies with your spouse!
Eat meals together as often as possible (and when you do, again, put your phones away).
Find ways to create shared experiences as a couple. Run a race together or go camping. Do activities you enjoy and ones that tend to be more active instead of passive. On occasion enjoy a movie together, but make this the exception and not the rule.
5) Spiritual
Last, but certainly not least, is to show marital grit in the ways you pursue the Lord together with your spouse.
Know God and know His Word (2 Tim 3:16-17, Psalm 1). Read your Bibles together or share what you’re learning from the Word. Together go through a devotional like Two As One: Connecting Daily With Christ and Your Spouse by Fierce Marriage. Share what God is teaching you.
Prioritize time in prayer, as an individual, as a couple, and as a family. You ought to know how to pray for your spouse. Make time to pray together as a couple.
Find ways to serve together! Take the focus off of yourselves and use your gifts the Lord has entrusted to you to serve those in your church or community.
Sometimes serving together is by sharing the gospel with your neighbors, friends or family. Be on mission together as a couple.
John 13:35 says, "By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” The couple who pursues the Lord and pursues each other will stick out in the world. Others will take note, which will open doors for conversation.
Choose to walk by the Spirit, not by your flesh (Galatians 5:16-25). Choose to obey the Truth and walk in it (1 Peter 1:22).
Make confession and forgiveness a regular part of your marriage. Keep short accounts (Ephesians 4:26) and humbly own your part in disagreements, apologize and ask for forgiveness.
At our re|engage marriage ministry, we often say, “Draw a circle around yourself and work on everyone inside of the circle.” This great challenge is a practical application of Matthew 7:3-5. Get the log out of your own eye before you focus on the speck inside of your spouse’s eye.
5 Ways to Develop Grit:
Well there you have it. I sure hope you and I both do everything we can do to help build a marriage that is marked by grit. May we each do everything we can to develop mental, emotional, physical, social and spiritual grit in our marriages. In Part 3 of the series, I'll show you a practical example of how Kristen and I work to develop grit in our marriage.
Over the years I’ve sat with too many couples who choose to not live out the commitments they both made and refuse to work hard (cultivate grit) in their marriages. Maybe even more powerful is the number of times I’ve sat with children of divorce who grew up in a home where mom and dad didn’t display grit.
The stakes are too high my friends. What are you going to do to build into your marriage, proactively, so that you can develop the endurance and commitment to build a healthy marriage that honors God and each other?
Your Turn:
Repeat from Part 1: On a scale of 1-10, with one being low and 10 being high, how gritty is your marriage? In other words, how hard do you work on your marriage proactively? What would your spouse say?
What is one thing you can do to develop physical grit in your marriage?
How can you and your spouse build your companionship and social/relational grit?
How can you grow in your walk with Jesus and allow spiritual intimacy to be something that draws you closer to the Lord? To your spouse?