How can a husband best lead his wife?
A few days ago, a friend asked me this question: "When you think of a spiritual leader in the home, paint me a picture of what that would look like?".
In Part 1, I shared the role of the spiritual leader in first leading himself, so that he can best lead others. Today I share what it looks like for a godly man to lead his wife, and in part three, I will share how he can best lead his children/home.
The best picture we get of a husband's leadership of his wife comes in Ephesians 5:25-28:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Much of what I share below flows out of Paul's instructions to the husband from Ephesians 5. The key word you will see below is the word initiate. The godly spiritual leader takes the initiative in all the areas discussed below.
A spiritual leader does whatever he can to help encourage his wife to spend time in God’s Word. Any married man with children knows that his wife faces enormous challenges with raising kids and all the other responsibilities moms encounter. The godly husband does whatever he has to do to ensure that she can get some time alone and that she can flourish in her relationship with Jesus. Sometimes this means putting aside your selfish desires (James 4:1) to serve her. This is an example of Ephesians 5, of helping present her without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish.
Sometimes the time alone is set aside for her to read her Bible and pray. Sometimes the time is for her to go shopping (for fun stuff, not groceries!). And sometimes, the time 'alone' is for her to spend some time with her friends, to laugh and have fun. He helps ensure she has great girlfriends in the neighborhood, church and workplace.
A spiritual leader engages with his wife and draws her out to share what she is learning spiritually, relationally and emotionally. He initiates conversations and seeks to learn from his wife. He asks her open-ended questions to better live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). He is a constant learner and student of his spouse. He helps her use her gifts and thrive in ministry (1 Corinthians 12:4-11).
A spiritual leader leads like a servant (Mark 10:44-45). He serves his family like Jesus served His followers (John 13:1-11). Man, this part is hard for me. I like ME and I don't like to put other's needs first. A friend once shared this principle with me: "When she stands, I stand. When she sits, I sit." In other words, when she is up cooking, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, then I'm up doing the same with her. When she sits down to read or watch TV, then I get to sit down with her. Again, I will refer you to Philippians 2:3-4.
A spiritual leader prays for and WITH his spouse. He doesn't just know how to pray for her (see part 1), but he prays WITH her. Praying with your spouse is one of the most intimate things you will do. Why would you miss out on it? The godly husband leads in initiating prayer with his spouse. Readers of my blog know I have struggled with leading in prayer in our marriage, but I have learned this is the one thing that could have the biggest impact in your marriage.
A spiritual leader dates his wife! Dating does not end when you say "I do." He takes the initiative to plan fun dates for them as a couple. He honors her, prioritizes her and pursues her, and seeks out creative and fun ways for them to spend time together outside of marriage. He does whatever he can to keep boredom out and creativity in.
A spiritual leader loves his wife, not just with feelings, but with actions. He backs up his words and promises with actions. For instance, a spiritual leader should be able to apply 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 for his wife. Saying and talking isn’t leadership; doing and applying is leadership. A spiritual leader can say, “Follow me, as I follow Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
What's Next?
Spiritual leadership is a tough role. To love my wife like Christ is obviously no small task. Whether its leading myself, my wife or my children and home, leadership can be extremely challenging. It is for most guys I know and it certainly is for this husband. Yet... what a privilege you and I have in leading our wife to become more and more like Christ.
I said it in Part 1, and I'll say it again. If you don’t know where to start or if you’re overwhelmed, I get it. My challenge for you is to take one step towards being the spiritual leader God desires for you to be and that your wife needs and wants. You’re not alone in the battle. Go through the ‘Your Turn’ questions below and take one step towards being the spiritual leader in your home.
Your Turn:
Take some time to read through each one of the scripture references above. I intentionally did not include the scripture so that you would need to make some effort to read God’s Word.
Pray. Where are you doing well? Where do you need to grow? What is ONE step you can take to better lead your spouse at home?
Men: Have your wife read this post. Ask your wife how you are doing. Do not be defensive in your response. Rather listen, thank them for the feedback, and learn.
Women: Lovingly suggest your husband read this post. Don't nag, but tell him you would like for him to lead you in the ways suggested above. In Ephesians 5:25-28, Paul is speaking to the husband, not the wife. You worry about Ephesians 5:22-24 and let God's Word, Spirit and people work on your husband.
If you are the reading type: Go buy Tim Keller's book, The Meaning of Marriage. This is my favorite book on marriage. Tim (and wife Kathy) do a great job discussing roles in chapter six of this book.
If you are interested in learning more about the role of the husband and wife, then listen/watch this message called an Uncommon Design from Kyle & Lucina Thompson at the Uncommon Marriage Conference Watermark hosted in 2013. Well worth your time, I promise!
Read part 3 on how a dad can lead his children and home.